8 of the worst pieces of advice women's magazines have ever dished out
We all know that a lot of stuff in women’s magazines isn’t true: monogrammed socks aren’t this season’s hottest trend, that new magic hair potion won’t make you feel like a million bucks, and you probably shouldn't quit your job to become an Instagrammer. Yet we continue to buy them, even those of us who - and I’m very much including myself in this - like to pretend we’re better than them. Somehow, when we’re in the line drugstore queue at an airport, or are planning a nice hot bath, or when they have a decent freebie attached, they just kind of fall into the shopping basket. Whoops.
And once they’re purchased, we read them. Every last page. Even the advice pages, which we know will only serve to leave us questioning our life choices. So, to bring us all back down to earth, we decided to dig out some treasures that prove that not only are magazine advice pages often wrong, they're also really, really stupid. Prepare to cringe.
You can’t catch HIV in the missionary position - Cosmo
Cosmo's advice is so notoriously bad that there's an actual Reddit forum dedicated to the matter, but back in 1988 they actually told readers that they couldn’t catch HIV if they had sex in the missionary position, despite science having already disproved this. Can you even imagine a magazine today just chucking out the words “Don’t bother with condoms, just do it missionary”?
You should drink nothing but goats’ milk for eight days - Goop
Forget about doctors. Who needs them? If you happen to have a parasite - which, according to Goop, there's every chance you do - an eight day goats’ milk cleanse, topped up with some herbs, is the perfect way to cure it. Now, Goop, which started life as a blog run by Gwyneth Paltrow, have never exactly been known for being down to earth and in touch with the everyday woman, but recommending that it works even better with fresh, raw goats' milk - as in freshly squeezed from the udders of the goat - is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot, really.
You should steam clean your vagina - Goop
Apparently, if you live in LA, “you have to do it”. And while Gwennie may be able to afford such treatments to create an “energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels”, the home version of this is essentially squatting over bowl full of boiled water with a few herbs dropped into it, hoping the steam doesn’t burn your va-jay-jay. Glamorous, huh? Let’s make one thing clear - this has been panned by just about every gynaecologist ever: "There's no scientific evidence that shows it works," stated Dr. Draion Burch, an obstetric gynaecologist based in Pittsburgh.
Acting desperate will find you love - Marie Clare
According to Marie Clare, the best way find love is to: "Send out a mass text. The easiest way to get the word out that you're single (and looking for some action) is by letting everyone know." Nothing says romance like a mass text to everyone in your phone book; nothing says terrifying like receiving a "HIYA I’M SINGLE NOW" text. This is precisely why Tinder was invented - and you don't have to face anyone on Tinder a second time.
Always look at his feet - Cosmo
According to those notorious dating gurus at Cosmo, when choosing between two potential romantic partners, you should always choose the one whose feet spend the most time pointing towards you. Why? Apparently, it’s a sure sign they connect with you on a deeper level. Or maybe it’s just a sign they’re facing you while holding a conversation. You know, like a normal person would.
Never trust a partner who talks to you - Cosmo
So we’ve already heard about Cosmo’s wise advice on relationships, but this gem is just too good: “Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing.” Why? Cosmo says "he could actually be trying to cover his ass." Yeah, so next time you ask him about his day, make sure to get a strop on when he actually tells you, it's only what the liar deserves. Yeah, enjoy it when your relationship fails.
Get a fringe to avoid accidentally flirting with your boss - Glamour
According to Glamour magazine: “experts say hair that flops in your peepers can signal to your boss that you have something to hide—or that you’re trying to be flirtatious, which isn’t exactly professional.” That’s right ladies, if you’ve got a side fringe you’re either a liar or a flirt, and the only way to deal with it is to change your physical appearance. There are no other options.
Introduce food to the bedroom - Cosmo
Everyone knows that using squirty cream in bed is a bit cliche (not to mention gross), so Cosmo came up with a handy way to - quite literally - spice things up: “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” Double points if you do this without letting him know you’re going to do it first. Surprise! Also, who on earth likes being sneezed on in bed?
So next time you’re reading one of these pages, rather than imagining it coming from the wise voice of some all-knowing woman's writer, picture it coming from a drunk stranger in the bathroom of a nightclub. If it still makes sense, you're golden. If not, forget about it, quickly. Because, let's be honest, we all know you're going to buy the magazine again anyway.