Even when using your favourite dating app, finding your perfect match is no easy feat.

While Tinder and Hinge have made it easier than ever to connect with people, it can feel like an overwhelming task to stand out and make an impression when you're only given a matter of seconds. Certainly, post lockdown, there are more fish in the sea than ever – with <a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-05-04/match-group-revenue-beats-estimates-delivers-positive-outlook" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Match Group</a> witnessing a 15 per cent rise in new subscribers at the end of 2020!

If you're looking to maximise your chances, relationship expert, James Thomas from <a href="https://condoms.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Condoms.uk</a> has shared seven tips with <strong>Four Nine </strong>about how to create the perfect dating app profile.

From avoiding certain words to photography choices, here are his secrets...

[caption id="attachment_12632212" align="alignnone" width="1045"]<img class="wp-image-12632212 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/Screen-Shot-2021-09-09-at-17.38.09.png" alt="Dating app profile " width="1045" height="694" /> Making your profile stand out on a dating app isn't easy (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>1. Take realistic pictures</h2>
While Thomas acknowledges that it's all too easy to rely on an old and time-tested photograph of yourself, it's best to do away with photos that are overly filtered or were taken five years ago — unless you have vampiric skills to push back the toll of time, of course.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/lifestyle/how-often-couples-have-sex" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Relationship expert reveals how couples really have sex</a></strong></p>
"Using an old or inauthentic image can look misleading," he explains. "Starting a relationship on a misconstrued reality will only hurt you in the long-run and tarnish anything further developing with anyone.

"If you are unhappy with your current situation or look, you should always be honest. This attracts people who only want to like you for you and not the images you share."

[caption id="attachment_12632209" align="alignnone" width="1872"]<img class="wp-image-12632209 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/mika-baumeister-4xChyRlbyWM-unsplash-e1631198596987.jpeg" alt="dating app profile" width="1872" height="1632" /> It's best to do away with photos that are overly filtered on dating apps (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h2>2. Connect your social media</h2>
If you're someone who likes to know everything about their potential beau, then you'll understand the importance of providing ample stalking material.

And the relationship expert points out that connecting your social media could actually result in more dates!

"It allows a person to extend their time on you," as he puts it. "With the addition of Instagram and Facebook, you can increase your chances of engagement. It also allows you to share more photos than the app allows and offers a deeper look into your personality.

"Always ensure your social media channels are up to date and mirror the personality you display on the app."

[caption id="attachment_12632211" align="alignnone" width="1280"]<img class="wp-image-12632211 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/pexels-cottonbro-7350911.jpeg" alt="dating app profile " width="1280" height="853" /> Connecting your social media could actually result in more dates when you're using a dating app (Credit: Pexels)[/caption]
<h2>3. Offer key details about your interests</h2>
As we all know, one key facet to compatibility is having shared interests — and Thomas says that you would be wise to highlight your passions when you're on the apps.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/entertainment/friends-cast-dated-real-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Which 'Friends' cast dated? David Schwimmer confirms 'no sex contract was broken'</a></strong></p>
Of course, you don't need to give <em>everything </em>away, but whether you're a bookworm or an avid jogger, he recommends being specific on certain details.

"For example, if you're reading an interesting book, state the name on your profile," Thomas explains. "You might end up attracting a fellow fan and you would have a heap in common.

"This is the same for your favourite food, music, and movies."

[caption id="attachment_12632213" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12632213 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/2ATMX19-scaled.jpeg" alt="relationship" width="2560" height="1706" /> You would be wise to highlight your passions when using apps (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>4. Avoid cliches</h2>
Time and time again, we see the same thing on dating app profiles. It seems like every single person loves The Office and would pick David Attenborough as a dream dinner date.

"You would expect to see one or more cliches on every other person's profile, avoid being one of them," Thomas comments.

"The same lines such as ‘I love to travel’, doesn’t add much personality to your profile unless you follow up with specifics.

"It can become predictable to read the same cliches over and over and it doesn’t set you apart from the crowd. Be refreshing and original, offer a witty anecdote and stay creative."

[caption id="attachment_12631932" align="aligncenter" width="848"]<img class="wp-image-12631932 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/Screen-Shot-2021-07-28-at-13.27.17.png" alt="relationships" width="848" height="572" /> Be creative when it comes to drafting your profile on dating apps (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2><b>5. Keep group photos to a minimum</b></h2>
Raise your hand if you've spent too much time trying to pick out the person you're chatting to from their mates — yep, me too.

While group photos are a good way to show off your social side, you want to stand out for the unique person you are.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/why-i-dumped-out-of-blue-relationship-expert">Relationship expert explains why people get dumped out of the blue</a></strong></p>
Thomas explains: "With apps such as Tinder, you have nine photo options and group photos should take up no more than two of these slots.

"As for the image, try to avoid groups of more than 3 people so you don’t get lost in the crowd and if possible, with you in the middle. With your social media connected, they will be able to recognize your social crowd on these platforms."

[caption id="attachment_12632230" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12632230" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/D247R6-scaled.jpeg" alt="tinder" width="2560" height="1707" /> Don't overdo it with group photos on dating apps (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2><b>6. Be positive</b></h2>
Another big no-no, the expert says, is to use negative language. "Try to avoid using the words ‘dislike’ or ‘don’t’ as this throws in negative vibes," he recommends.

"Instead, lead with things you enjoy doing and look for in a partner," says Thomas. Further down the line, you can expand on your dislikes, either via text or during a date.

"No one likes to have a conversation with a person who shares a negative mindset, so be open-minded with the details you share on your profile."

[caption id="attachment_12632231" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12632231" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/FK71FX-scaled.jpeg" alt="hinge" width="2560" height="1700" /> Try to avoid using negative language when trying to attract the attention of love interests (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2><b>7. Don’t be obnoxious </b></h2>
Finally, while it may be tempting to showcase your dry or sarcastic sense of humour, this may be better saved for your first date.

As James explains: "The last thing you want is for someone to be put off when they read your profile.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-choose-right-sex-toy-women-tips">How to choose the right sex toy for you</a></strong></p>
"There is a fine line between being confident and obnoxious, so ensure you know the difference. It can help to get a friend to read over your profile so they can share their honest opinion.

"Sometimes a dry sense of humour is hard to gauge online and can give off the wrong impression."
<h5>Feature image credit: Alamy</h5>

<p>Even when using your favourite dating app, finding your perfect match is no easy feat.</p>
<p>While Tinder and Hinge have made it easier than ever to connect with people, it can feel like an overwhelming task to stand out and make an impression when you're only given a matter of seconds. Certainly, post lockdown, there are more fish in the sea than ever – with <a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-05-04/match-group-revenue-beats-estimates-delivers-positive-outlook" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Match Group</a> witnessing a 15 per cent rise in new subscribers at the end of 2020!</p>
<p>If you're looking to maximise your chances, relationship expert, James Thomas from <a href="https://condoms.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Condoms.uk</a> has shared seven tips with <strong>Four Nine </strong>about how to create the perfect dating app profile.</p>
<p>From avoiding certain words to photography choices, here are his secrets...</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12632212 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/Screen-Shot-2021-09-09-at-17.38.09.png" alt="Dating app profile " width="1045" height="694" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Making your profile stand out on a dating app isn't easy (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>1. Take realistic pictures</h2>
<p>While Thomas acknowledges that it's all too easy to rely on an old and time-tested photograph of yourself, it's best to do away with photos that are overly filtered or were taken five years ago — unless you have vampiric skills to push back the toll of time, of course.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/lifestyle/how-often-couples-have-sex" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Relationship expert reveals how couples really have sex</a></strong></p>
<p>"Using an old or inauthentic image can look misleading," he explains. "Starting a relationship on a misconstrued reality will only hurt you in the long-run and tarnish anything further developing with anyone.</p>
<p>"If you are unhappy with your current situation or look, you should always be honest. This attracts people who only want to like you for you and not the images you share."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12632209 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/mika-baumeister-4xChyRlbyWM-unsplash-e1631198596987.jpeg" alt="dating app profile" width="1872" height="1632" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 It's best to do away with photos that are overly filtered on dating apps (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>2. Connect your social media</h2>
<p>If you're someone who likes to know everything about their potential beau, then you'll understand the importance of providing ample stalking material.</p>
<p>And the relationship expert points out that connecting your social media could actually result in more dates!</p>
<p>"It allows a person to extend their time on you," as he puts it. "With the addition of Instagram and Facebook, you can increase your chances of engagement. It also allows you to share more photos than the app allows and offers a deeper look into your personality.</p>
<p>"Always ensure your social media channels are up to date and mirror the personality you display on the app."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12632211 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/pexels-cottonbro-7350911.jpeg" alt="dating app profile " width="1280" height="853" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Connecting your social media could actually result in more dates when you're using a dating app (Credit: Pexels)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>3. Offer key details about your interests</h2>
<p>As we all know, one key facet to compatibility is having shared interests — and Thomas says that you would be wise to highlight your passions when you're on the apps.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/entertainment/friends-cast-dated-real-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Which 'Friends' cast dated? David Schwimmer confirms 'no sex contract was broken'</a></strong></p>
<p>Of course, you don't need to give <em>everything </em>away, but whether you're a bookworm or an avid jogger, he recommends being specific on certain details.</p>
<p>"For example, if you're reading an interesting book, state the name on your profile," Thomas explains. "You might end up attracting a fellow fan and you would have a heap in common.</p>
<p>"This is the same for your favourite food, music, and movies."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12632213 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/2ATMX19-scaled.jpeg" alt="relationship" width="2560" height="1706" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 You would be wise to highlight your passions when using apps (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>4. Avoid cliches</h2>
<p>Time and time again, we see the same thing on dating app profiles. It seems like every single person loves The Office and would pick David Attenborough as a dream dinner date.</p>
<p>"You would expect to see one or more cliches on every other person's profile, avoid being one of them," Thomas comments.</p>
<p>"The same lines such as ‘I love to travel’, doesn’t add much personality to your profile unless you follow up with specifics.</p>
<p>"It can become predictable to read the same cliches over and over and it doesn’t set you apart from the crowd. Be refreshing and original, offer a witty anecdote and stay creative."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631932 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/Screen-Shot-2021-07-28-at-13.27.17.png" alt="relationships" width="848" height="572" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Be creative when it comes to drafting your profile on dating apps (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2><b>5. Keep group photos to a minimum</b></h2>
<p>Raise your hand if you've spent too much time trying to pick out the person you're chatting to from their mates — yep, me too.</p>
<p>While group photos are a good way to show off your social side, you want to stand out for the unique person you are.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/why-i-dumped-out-of-blue-relationship-expert">Relationship expert explains why people get dumped out of the blue</a></strong></p>
<p>Thomas explains: "With apps such as Tinder, you have nine photo options and group photos should take up no more than two of these slots.</p>
<p>"As for the image, try to avoid groups of more than 3 people so you don’t get lost in the crowd and if possible, with you in the middle. With your social media connected, they will be able to recognize your social crowd on these platforms."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12632230" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/D247R6-scaled.jpeg" alt="tinder" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Don't overdo it with group photos on dating apps (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2><b>6. Be positive</b></h2>
<p>Another big no-no, the expert says, is to use negative language. "Try to avoid using the words ‘dislike’ or ‘don’t’ as this throws in negative vibes," he recommends.</p>
<p>"Instead, lead with things you enjoy doing and look for in a partner," says Thomas. Further down the line, you can expand on your dislikes, either via text or during a date.</p>
<p>"No one likes to have a conversation with a person who shares a negative mindset, so be open-minded with the details you share on your profile."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12632231" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/09/FK71FX-scaled.jpeg" alt="hinge" width="2560" height="1700" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Try to avoid using negative language when trying to attract the attention of love interests (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2><b>7. Don’t be obnoxious </b></h2>
<p>Finally, while it may be tempting to showcase your dry or sarcastic sense of humour, this may be better saved for your first date.</p>
<p>As James explains: "The last thing you want is for someone to be put off when they read your profile.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-choose-right-sex-toy-women-tips">How to choose the right sex toy for you</a></strong></p>
<p>"There is a fine line between being confident and obnoxious, so ensure you know the difference. It can help to get a friend to read over your profile so they can share their honest opinion.</p>
<p>"Sometimes a dry sense of humour is hard to gauge online and can give off the wrong impression."</p>
<h2>Feature image credit: Alamy</h2>


7 tips for creating a flawless dating app profile, according to a relationship expert

When they fail to reply to your texts in a timely manner and stop making plans, you're usually left wondering whether you've been ghosted, and why.

It's an experience that can really make you feel helpless and at a loss for what to do. But it's incredibly common, something that you can even come to understand.

Registered psychotherapist <a href="https://sherryrichmond.co.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Sherry Richmond</a> talks exclusively to <strong>Four Nine</strong> about why people ghost their love interests.

[caption id="attachment_12631932" align="aligncenter" width="968"]<img class=" wp-image-12631932" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/Screen-Shot-2021-07-28-at-13.27.17.png" alt="why did he ghost me " width="968" height="653" /> Ghosting is one of the most common dating trends (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>Why did they ghost me?</h2>
Many people have been ghosted at one point or another, largely thanks to the advent of social media and dating apps.

But why does it happen exactly? Here psychotherapist Richmond breaks down the cruel dating trend...
<h3>1.They're just not that into you</h3>
Truth hurts, and oftentimes people ghost because they cannot imagine a future with you. Whilst they may have enjoyed the time you shared, people have different expectations of a relationship, and they may not have thought that it would be compatible long-term.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-choose-right-sex-toy-women-tips">11 tips for choosing the right sex toy for you</a></strong></p>
But instead of being open about their feelings, some people may decide to ghost at this point. As Richmond explains: "Sometimes, in the early stages, people haven't built that dialogue where they feel they have enough trust in place where they can really talk about their feelings openly.

"So instead, they go into their default mode, which is to avoid and detach — aka ghost."

[caption id="attachment_12632139" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="wp-image-12632139 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/08/priscilla-du-preez-g86airJZ4Gs-unsplash.jpeg" alt="ghosting" width="1920" height="1280" /> Oftentimes people ghost because they cannot imagine a future with you (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h3>2. They may be seeing other people</h3>
Another hard pill to swallow may be that the individual may have been seeing other people whilst they were seeing you.

People have different priorities in relationships, and while you may be looking for commitment, someone else may be more interested in getting to know a wide variety of people before settling down. So when things started getting serious — or they sensed you wanted more — they detached, and moved onto the next person.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/why-i-dumped-out-of-blue-relationship-expert">Why was I dumped out of the blue?</a></strong></p>
This is why Richmond says it's so important not to discount the red flags. These could be anything from them airing your calls to them getting confused about specific details about your time together.

"Everyone has their blind spots, but oftentimes you look back and realise that something was there from the beginning, and you just chose to ignore it," she explains.

"So, when something doesn't feel right, make a contract with yourself to really pay attention to that and protect your feelings before going all in. We can't control anyone but ourselves."

[caption id="attachment_12632138" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="wp-image-12632138 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/08/mika-baumeister-4xChyRlbyWM-unsplash.jpeg" alt="ghost" width="1920" height="2400" /> The individual may have been seeing other people whilst they were seeing you (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h3>3. They're protecting themselves</h3>
Richmond explains that people who ghost often have "avoidance mechanisms", which can make the other person feel like their partner has completely emotionally detached or disengaged. But really, she says, they're often doing it because they're protecting themselves.

This could be because of a number of reasons; perhaps they are dealing with some anxiety surrounding relationships — in that they are scared of fully committing and being abandoned.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/self-isolate-breaking-up-ex-single-best-life">I had to self-isolate with my ex after breaking up</a></strong></p>
Alternatively, they may have had some unpleasant experiences in past relationships, which makes them more reluctant to open up completely.

"Ghosting can be about our defences," Richmond tells me. "When I work with couples, it's very helpful for the clients to learn about each other's default mode in terms of how they defend themselves when a hurt place or a vulnerability might be getting touched.

"So some people might not be fully aware that closeness feels scary, and that opening up could trigger a past hurt."

[caption id="attachment_12631771" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631771" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/EJ55P4-scaled.jpeg" alt="why did he ghost me " width="2560" height="1707" /> Richmond explains that people who ghost often have "avoidance mechanisms" (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>What effects can being ghosted have?</h2>
Richmond says that ghosting can be incredibly painful, and can even trigger anxiety and depression — especially if you suppress your feelings and do not have the space to talk about them.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-long-sex-last-therapist">Relationship and sex therapist answers your biggest sex questions</a></strong></p>
Likewise, it could also trigger shame, which could lead to you blaming yourself for something that was completely out of your control. In this case, she stresses that you should speak to someone that you trust, and again, find safe spaces to share your thoughts and feelings.

"Remember, emotional pain is registered in the brain in the same way that physical pain is, so please be kind to yourself," she adds.

[caption id="attachment_12631933" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631933" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/MPKY9F-scaled.jpeg" alt="why did he ghost me " width="2560" height="1920" /> Ghosting can be incredibly painful, and can even trigger anxiety and depression (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How can you get over being ghosted?</h2>
An effective way to get over being ghosted is to learn how to self-soothe.

"One major gift we can give ourselves is self-regulation, that is, how to be there for ourselves when our anxieties or wounds are triggered," Richmond explains. "It's really powerful to know how to speak to ourselves when we are in distress."

She advises checking in with yourself throughout the day: "Ask yourself about how you have been speaking to yourself. How many times are you saying something negative to yourself or about yourself? Is your belief system kind, or do you have a very harsh inner critic?
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/why-love-island-serious-risk-black-women">Why 'Love Island' is a more serious risk for Black women than it is for white</a></strong></p>
"To self-soothe, you need to develop an inner, nurturing parent that can be there for your inner vulnerabilities.

"So, a way to self soothe and regulate our emotions is by being loving towards ourselves. Compassion is incomplete if it doesn't include yourself."

Another tool is to practice meditation. Richmond explains that when we have been ghosted, our thoughts can be all over the place. "Meditation is not about having no thoughts," she says, "but it's about those thoughts becoming background noise, where they don't control us and instead we can control what we choose to focus on.

"Because ghosting triggers emotional stress, meditation can really help you regulate your internal systems. Just do one minute a day of mindful breathing. It's very powerful."

Looking towards the future, the psychotherapist concludes: "A really valuable piece of advice you can give yourself when you start to get to know somebody is to not discount the red flags and protect yourself and your own feelings before you go all into something."

<p>When they fail to reply to your texts in a timely manner and stop making plans, you're usually left wondering whether you've been ghosted, and why.</p>
<p>It's an experience that can really make you feel helpless and at a loss for what to do. But it's incredibly common, something that you can even come to understand.</p>
<p>Registered psychotherapist <a href="https://sherryrichmond.co.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Sherry Richmond</a> talks exclusively to <strong>Four Nine</strong> about why people ghost their love interests.</p>
<figure>
            <img class=" wp-image-12631932" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/Screen-Shot-2021-07-28-at-13.27.17.png" alt="why did he ghost me " width="968" height="653" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Ghosting is one of the most common dating trends (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Why did they ghost me?</h2>
<p>Many people have been ghosted at one point or another, largely thanks to the advent of social media and dating apps.</p>
<p>But why does it happen exactly? Here psychotherapist Richmond breaks down the cruel dating trend...</p>
<h2>1.They're just not that into you</h2>
<p>Truth hurts, and oftentimes people ghost because they cannot imagine a future with you. Whilst they may have enjoyed the time you shared, people have different expectations of a relationship, and they may not have thought that it would be compatible long-term.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-choose-right-sex-toy-women-tips">11 tips for choosing the right sex toy for you</a></strong></p>
<p>But instead of being open about their feelings, some people may decide to ghost at this point. As Richmond explains: "Sometimes, in the early stages, people haven't built that dialogue where they feel they have enough trust in place where they can really talk about their feelings openly.</p>
<p>"So instead, they go into their default mode, which is to avoid and detach — aka ghost."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12632139 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/08/priscilla-du-preez-g86airJZ4Gs-unsplash.jpeg" alt="ghosting" width="1920" height="1280" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Oftentimes people ghost because they cannot imagine a future with you (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>2. They may be seeing other people</h2>
<p>Another hard pill to swallow may be that the individual may have been seeing other people whilst they were seeing you.</p>
<p>People have different priorities in relationships, and while you may be looking for commitment, someone else may be more interested in getting to know a wide variety of people before settling down. So when things started getting serious — or they sensed you wanted more — they detached, and moved onto the next person.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/why-i-dumped-out-of-blue-relationship-expert">Why was I dumped out of the blue?</a></strong></p>
<p>This is why Richmond says it's so important not to discount the red flags. These could be anything from them airing your calls to them getting confused about specific details about your time together.</p>
<p>"Everyone has their blind spots, but oftentimes you look back and realise that something was there from the beginning, and you just chose to ignore it," she explains.</p>
<p>"So, when something doesn't feel right, make a contract with yourself to really pay attention to that and protect your feelings before going all in. We can't control anyone but ourselves."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12632138 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/08/mika-baumeister-4xChyRlbyWM-unsplash.jpeg" alt="ghost" width="1920" height="2400" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 The individual may have been seeing other people whilst they were seeing you (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>3. They're protecting themselves</h2>
<p>Richmond explains that people who ghost often have "avoidance mechanisms", which can make the other person feel like their partner has completely emotionally detached or disengaged. But really, she says, they're often doing it because they're protecting themselves.</p>
<p>This could be because of a number of reasons; perhaps they are dealing with some anxiety surrounding relationships — in that they are scared of fully committing and being abandoned.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/self-isolate-breaking-up-ex-single-best-life">I had to self-isolate with my ex after breaking up</a></strong></p>
<p>Alternatively, they may have had some unpleasant experiences in past relationships, which makes them more reluctant to open up completely.</p>
<p>"Ghosting can be about our defences," Richmond tells me. "When I work with couples, it's very helpful for the clients to learn about each other's default mode in terms of how they defend themselves when a hurt place or a vulnerability might be getting touched.</p>
<p>"So some people might not be fully aware that closeness feels scary, and that opening up could trigger a past hurt."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631771" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/EJ55P4-scaled.jpeg" alt="why did he ghost me " width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Richmond explains that people who ghost often have "avoidance mechanisms" (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>What effects can being ghosted have?</h2>
<p>Richmond says that ghosting can be incredibly painful, and can even trigger anxiety and depression — especially if you suppress your feelings and do not have the space to talk about them.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-long-sex-last-therapist">Relationship and sex therapist answers your biggest sex questions</a></strong></p>
<p>Likewise, it could also trigger shame, which could lead to you blaming yourself for something that was completely out of your control. In this case, she stresses that you should speak to someone that you trust, and again, find safe spaces to share your thoughts and feelings.</p>
<p>"Remember, emotional pain is registered in the brain in the same way that physical pain is, so please be kind to yourself," she adds.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631933" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/MPKY9F-scaled.jpeg" alt="why did he ghost me " width="2560" height="1920" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Ghosting can be incredibly painful, and can even trigger anxiety and depression (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How can you get over being ghosted?</h2>
<p>An effective way to get over being ghosted is to learn how to self-soothe.</p>
<p>"One major gift we can give ourselves is self-regulation, that is, how to be there for ourselves when our anxieties or wounds are triggered," Richmond explains. "It's really powerful to know how to speak to ourselves when we are in distress."</p>
<p>She advises checking in with yourself throughout the day: "Ask yourself about how you have been speaking to yourself. How many times are you saying something negative to yourself or about yourself? Is your belief system kind, or do you have a very harsh inner critic?</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/why-love-island-serious-risk-black-women">Why 'Love Island' is a more serious risk for Black women than it is for white</a></strong></p>
<p>"To self-soothe, you need to develop an inner, nurturing parent that can be there for your inner vulnerabilities.</p>
<p>"So, a way to self soothe and regulate our emotions is by being loving towards ourselves. Compassion is incomplete if it doesn't include yourself."</p>
<p>Another tool is to practice meditation. Richmond explains that when we have been ghosted, our thoughts can be all over the place. "Meditation is not about having no thoughts," she says, "but it's about those thoughts becoming background noise, where they don't control us and instead we can control what we choose to focus on.</p>
<p>"Because ghosting triggers emotional stress, meditation can really help you regulate your internal systems. Just do one minute a day of mindful breathing. It's very powerful."</p>
<p>Looking towards the future, the psychotherapist concludes: "A really valuable piece of advice you can give yourself when you start to get to know somebody is to not discount the red flags and protect yourself and your own feelings before you go all into something."</p>


Relationship expert explains why people ghost each other – and how to heal

Knowing when a relationship is over isn't always obvious.

When you've been with a partner for a long time, it can be difficult acknowledging certain issues exist.

Here, we talk to MBACP accredited psychotherapist, <a href="https://www.hqtherapy.com/therapists/sylvia-cowell-registered-psychotherapist/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Slyvia Cowell</a>, about some of the most telling signs that your relationship could be in hot water.

[caption id="attachment_12631751" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631751 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/HJPCCF-scaled.jpeg" alt="relationship is over" width="2560" height="1571" /> When you've been with a partner for a long time, it can be difficult acknowledging certain issues exist (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How do you know when a relationship is over?</h2>
From picking holes in the other party to a distinct lack of physical intimacy, here are seven signs that your relationship could be over..
<h3>1. If the arguments stop</h3>
Sylvia points out that if a couple has been arguing a lot and the arguments just stop, this could be a sign that the relationship is nearing its demise.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://fournine.net/lifestyle/how-often-couples-have-sex" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How often do couples have sex? Relationship study reveals what's going on in the bedroom</a></p>
"If they just stop, and not because there's been any resolution, it can signify that the other person is disconnected, and the relationship and the issues within it just don't matter to them anymore," she tells me.
<h3>2. The other party is preoccupied</h3>
In the same vein, one person in the relationship may notice that their partner is exceedingly preoccupied. "If one individual is concentrating more on themselves, this is a sign of emotional disconnection.

"Depending on what life stage someone is in, they may be preparing for their new life — outside of their current relationship. This might mean feeling like they need to shake things up. All of a sudden, they may decide they need to change their job, or fix up their appearance," Cowell explains.

[caption id="attachment_12631754" align="alignnone" width="1535"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631754" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/Untitled-design-6.jpeg" alt="relationship" width="1535" height="800" /> Being preoccupied can be a sign of emotional disconnection (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>3. A lack of physical intimacy</h3>
"If somebody was the person who would always ask and initiate intimacy and they suddenly stop, this could be a sign that things are nearing the end," Cowell continues.

This, she says, shows that that individual no longer thinks that sex will make a difference to the state of affairs their union is in.  Especially if intimacy started out being important to the couple.

[caption id="attachment_12631772" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631772" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/2CAFYH7-scaled.jpeg" alt="couple" width="2560" height="934" /> If all intimacy suddenly stops, this could be a sign that things are nearing the end (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>4. Hesitancy to make long-term commitments</h3>
Another red flag is when one person stops making financial and long-term commitments — or even speaking about the future.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://fournine.net/entertainment/friends-cast-dated-real-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Which 'Friends' cast dated? David Schwimmer confirms 'no sex contract was broken'</a></p>
"If they're hesitant to plan, for example, a holiday in six months, it can signal that they're psychologically disconnected," Cowell says.

But as well as a lack of future planning, the individual may also find it difficult to stay in the present moment. For example, they may seem distant when you're together, and you will notice that they seem "far away" when you're supposed to be having one-on-one time.
<h3>5. They start picking holes</h3>
Whereas some people may completely stop arguing with their partner, others may actually begin to start picking arguments and holes in the other person to justify their decision to disconnect from them.

They may also use this as an exit strategy, the psychotherapist explains, as they could start hoping that if they prod at their boyfriend or girlfriend enough, they will eventually have enough and call it quits.

[caption id="attachment_12631773" align="alignnone" width="1280"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631773" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/pexels-ivan-samkov-6788686.jpeg" alt="sad" width="1280" height="853" /> People may start picking holes to set up an exit strategy (Credit: Pexels)[/caption]
<h3>6. A lack of communication</h3>
"Healthy relationships always have conflict, but those conflicts are open and transparent," Cowell states. "If you're not communicating anymore, and you have no sense of what is potentially going on in the other person's life, then that's a very good sign that something has gone wrong.

"There may also be no communication about the things that have started to change. In a healthy relationship, if a person has decided to stop or start doing something that will be spoken about. They will communicate that to their partner."
<h3>7. Old insecurities creep back in</h3>
If your old insecurities start to creep back in and you start to get a sense of unease that the person isn't as interested in you as they were before, this could be a bad sign.

The psychotherapist concludes that if or your partner is beginning to become more interested in other people that could also be a sign that the relationship is heading in the wrong direction.
<h5>Feature image credit: Alamy</h5>

<p>Knowing when a relationship is over isn't always obvious.</p>
<p>When you've been with a partner for a long time, it can be difficult acknowledging certain issues exist.</p>
<p>Here, we talk to MBACP accredited psychotherapist, <a href="https://www.hqtherapy.com/therapists/sylvia-cowell-registered-psychotherapist/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Slyvia Cowell</a>, about some of the most telling signs that your relationship could be in hot water.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631751 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/HJPCCF-scaled.jpeg" alt="relationship is over" width="2560" height="1571" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 When you've been with a partner for a long time, it can be difficult acknowledging certain issues exist (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How do you know when a relationship is over?</h2>
<p>From picking holes in the other party to a distinct lack of physical intimacy, here are seven signs that your relationship could be over..</p>
<h2>1. If the arguments stop</h2>
<p>Sylvia points out that if a couple has been arguing a lot and the arguments just stop, this could be a sign that the relationship is nearing its demise.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://fournine.net/lifestyle/how-often-couples-have-sex" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How often do couples have sex? Relationship study reveals what's going on in the bedroom</a></p>
<p>"If they just stop, and not because there's been any resolution, it can signify that the other person is disconnected, and the relationship and the issues within it just don't matter to them anymore," she tells me.</p>
<h2>2. The other party is preoccupied</h2>
<p>In the same vein, one person in the relationship may notice that their partner is exceedingly preoccupied. "If one individual is concentrating more on themselves, this is a sign of emotional disconnection.</p>
<p>"Depending on what life stage someone is in, they may be preparing for their new life — outside of their current relationship. This might mean feeling like they need to shake things up. All of a sudden, they may decide they need to change their job, or fix up their appearance," Cowell explains.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631754" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/Untitled-design-6.jpeg" alt="relationship" width="1535" height="800" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Being preoccupied can be a sign of emotional disconnection (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>3. A lack of physical intimacy</h2>
<p>"If somebody was the person who would always ask and initiate intimacy and they suddenly stop, this could be a sign that things are nearing the end," Cowell continues.</p>
<p>This, she says, shows that that individual no longer thinks that sex will make a difference to the state of affairs their union is in.  Especially if intimacy started out being important to the couple.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631772" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/2CAFYH7-scaled.jpeg" alt="couple" width="2560" height="934" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 If all intimacy suddenly stops, this could be a sign that things are nearing the end (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>4. Hesitancy to make long-term commitments</h2>
<p>Another red flag is when one person stops making financial and long-term commitments — or even speaking about the future.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://fournine.net/entertainment/friends-cast-dated-real-life" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Which 'Friends' cast dated? David Schwimmer confirms 'no sex contract was broken'</a></p>
<p>"If they're hesitant to plan, for example, a holiday in six months, it can signal that they're psychologically disconnected," Cowell says.</p>
<p>But as well as a lack of future planning, the individual may also find it difficult to stay in the present moment. For example, they may seem distant when you're together, and you will notice that they seem "far away" when you're supposed to be having one-on-one time.</p>
<h2>5. They start picking holes</h2>
<p>Whereas some people may completely stop arguing with their partner, others may actually begin to start picking arguments and holes in the other person to justify their decision to disconnect from them.</p>
<p>They may also use this as an exit strategy, the psychotherapist explains, as they could start hoping that if they prod at their boyfriend or girlfriend enough, they will eventually have enough and call it quits.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631773" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/pexels-ivan-samkov-6788686.jpeg" alt="sad" width="1280" height="853" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 People may start picking holes to set up an exit strategy (Credit: Pexels)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>6. A lack of communication</h2>
<p>"Healthy relationships always have conflict, but those conflicts are open and transparent," Cowell states. "If you're not communicating anymore, and you have no sense of what is potentially going on in the other person's life, then that's a very good sign that something has gone wrong.</p>
<p>"There may also be no communication about the things that have started to change. In a healthy relationship, if a person has decided to stop or start doing something that will be spoken about. They will communicate that to their partner."</p>
<h2>7. Old insecurities creep back in</h2>
<p>If your old insecurities start to creep back in and you start to get a sense of unease that the person isn't as interested in you as they were before, this could be a bad sign.</p>
<p>The psychotherapist concludes that if or your partner is beginning to become more interested in other people that could also be a sign that the relationship is heading in the wrong direction.</p>
<h2>Feature image credit: Alamy</h2>


7 telling signs your relationship could be in trouble, according to a dating expert

Emma Jones and Kathryn Hooker were just 18 and 20-years-old, respectively, when they lost their mothers.

"It's like your everything's ended, and nothing can be worse," says Kathryn, recalling the moment she found out her mum had just two years to live, following a diagnosis of bowel cancer. After her death, the now-26-year-old says that her time at university quickly became a blur.

It was a similar story for Emma, who went to university just months after losing her mother to breast cancer. Having lost a parent at such a young age proved to be an incredibly isolating experience for the pair, but their friendship and the common ground they found in their grief proved to be a balm.

Now, years on, the pair are providing the same comfort to thousands of people through the <a href="https://podfollow.com/deadparentclub/view" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Dead Parent Podcast</a>, which aims to normalise speaking about death and the loss of parents.

[caption id="attachment_12631760" align="alignnone" width="1080"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631760" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/133032840_217976706616286_6184119361856715463_n.jpeg" alt="" width="1080" height="1350" /> Kathryn Hooker started the Dead Parent Podcast in late 2017 (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

"I was in a really, really bad place. Mentally, I really couldn’t see a future where I could be happy without my mum. It literally felt completely impossible and like I was navigating this whole new normal,'' Kathryn says of the first year without her mother.

"I was walking around in a daze and I was just letting life happen to me," Emma corroborates. "I felt like I had no control over anything that was happening to me. I felt as though my identity had been ripped from me, and I found myself thrust into a new city that I'd never been to. I felt so so alone, and I ached and yearned for my mum."

This, of course, became more difficult when it came to celebrating their first life milestones without their mothers. Emma tells me that she doesn't even remember the first Christmas and birthday she celebrated without her mum. This period in general, she explains, feels like she's reading herself a story: "It's like a whole other life, and I was a whole other girl".

Both Kathryn and Emma have had to establish new traditions for such occasions in the wake of their mothers' passing — which, they say, has slowly become easier.

[caption id="attachment_12631761" align="alignnone" width="1170"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631761" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/image0.jpeg" alt="" width="1170" height="1454" /> LUTV presenter Emma Jones joined the podcast last year (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

Every year on her birthday, Kathryn listens to a voicemail on her phone of her mum singing Happy Birthday. "Then, for Christmas, I put it on myself to make it as good as it can be," she explains. "I buy the same kind of food she would have bought, and cooking her meals. So I try and make it a homely experience for all of us – like she used to."

Emma tells me she buys a card for her mum as if she's still here, every time her birthday comes around. But she's also developed another "lovely" tradition recently, which comprises of filling pots with fairy dust and throwing them into the sea. The presenter explains that her mother took solace in a large mural of fairies by Crosby beach while she was undergoing chemotherapy  — and that it has since become a source of comfort for her too.
<p class="p1">"I've got to say that it definitely does get easier because you find new traditions and ways to celebrate," Kathryn comments. "But I don't think that the acknowledgement of loss ever gets any easier over time. As the years go by, especially as families grow and big life moments happen, you're more acutely aware of how much things have changed. But grief is a journey, and you do grow with it."</p>


[caption id="attachment_12631762" align="alignnone" width="1170"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631762" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/sssss.jpeg" alt="" width="1170" height="869" /> Pictured is Emma Jones and her mother (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

Both women found that starting their podcast was a way of honouring their mothers — but they also wanted to provide something that they sorely lacked when they were newly grieving: a safe outlet.

Since the inception of the podcast, Emma and Kathryn have interviewed the likes of Jake Quickenden and Robbie Savage, but they have not shirked away from the reality of grief; from speaking about the process of organising funerals to the way that death can alter relationship dynamics.

This is undoubtedly an invaluable resource for those who are contending with the passing of loved one, but the pair stress that hosting the podcast has had a positive effect on them too.

"There’s a real sense of community, and talking about your grief sets you free in such a powerful way," Kathryn says. "We are all more similar than we think. Our circumstances may differ, and how we handle our grief might be different, but the way these feelings affect you in a way that you never could have imagined is universal."

Emma echoes: "I remember being 18 and there not being any help for teens who had lost a parent.

"I want to talk about my mum. The pain is there, and it's not going to go unless you share it. I know that I started to heal when I began speaking about the loss of my mother. Like anything in life, we feel better when we share our feelings with the right people.

"I like to think this podcast gives people hope."
<h3><em>The Dead Parent Podcast, which is produced by This Is Distorted, can be listened to <a href="https://podfollow.com/deadparentclub/view" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here</a>. </em></h3>
<h5>Feature image credit: Alamy</h5>

<p>Emma Jones and Kathryn Hooker were just 18 and 20-years-old, respectively, when they lost their mothers.</p>
<p>"It's like your everything's ended, and nothing can be worse," says Kathryn, recalling the moment she found out her mum had just two years to live, following a diagnosis of bowel cancer. After her death, the now-26-year-old says that her time at university quickly became a blur.</p>
<p>It was a similar story for Emma, who went to university just months after losing her mother to breast cancer. Having lost a parent at such a young age proved to be an incredibly isolating experience for the pair, but their friendship and the common ground they found in their grief proved to be a balm.</p>
<p>Now, years on, the pair are providing the same comfort to thousands of people through the <a href="https://podfollow.com/deadparentclub/view" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Dead Parent Podcast</a>, which aims to normalise speaking about death and the loss of parents.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631760" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/133032840_217976706616286_6184119361856715463_n.jpeg" alt="" width="1080" height="1350" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Kathryn Hooker started the Dead Parent Podcast in late 2017 (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>"I was in a really, really bad place. Mentally, I really couldn’t see a future where I could be happy without my mum. It literally felt completely impossible and like I was navigating this whole new normal,'' Kathryn says of the first year without her mother.</p>
<p>"I was walking around in a daze and I was just letting life happen to me," Emma corroborates. "I felt like I had no control over anything that was happening to me. I felt as though my identity had been ripped from me, and I found myself thrust into a new city that I'd never been to. I felt so so alone, and I ached and yearned for my mum."</p>
<p>This, of course, became more difficult when it came to celebrating their first life milestones without their mothers. Emma tells me that she doesn't even remember the first Christmas and birthday she celebrated without her mum. This period in general, she explains, feels like she's reading herself a story: "It's like a whole other life, and I was a whole other girl".</p>
<p>Both Kathryn and Emma have had to establish new traditions for such occasions in the wake of their mothers' passing — which, they say, has slowly become easier.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631761" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/image0.jpeg" alt="" width="1170" height="1454" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 LUTV presenter Emma Jones joined the podcast last year (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>Every year on her birthday, Kathryn listens to a voicemail on her phone of her mum singing Happy Birthday. "Then, for Christmas, I put it on myself to make it as good as it can be," she explains. "I buy the same kind of food she would have bought, and cooking her meals. So I try and make it a homely experience for all of us – like she used to."</p>
<p>Emma tells me she buys a card for her mum as if she's still here, every time her birthday comes around. But she's also developed another "lovely" tradition recently, which comprises of filling pots with fairy dust and throwing them into the sea. The presenter explains that her mother took solace in a large mural of fairies by Crosby beach while she was undergoing chemotherapy  — and that it has since become a source of comfort for her too.</p>
<p class="p1">"I've got to say that it definitely does get easier because you find new traditions and ways to celebrate," Kathryn comments. "But I don't think that the acknowledgement of loss ever gets any easier over time. As the years go by, especially as families grow and big life moments happen, you're more acutely aware of how much things have changed. But grief is a journey, and you do grow with it."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631762" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/sssss.jpeg" alt="" width="1170" height="869" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Pictured is Emma Jones and her mother (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>Both women found that starting their podcast was a way of honouring their mothers — but they also wanted to provide something that they sorely lacked when they were newly grieving: a safe outlet.</p>
<p>Since the inception of the podcast, Emma and Kathryn have interviewed the likes of Jake Quickenden and Robbie Savage, but they have not shirked away from the reality of grief; from speaking about the process of organising funerals to the way that death can alter relationship dynamics.</p>
<p>This is undoubtedly an invaluable resource for those who are contending with the passing of loved one, but the pair stress that hosting the podcast has had a positive effect on them too.</p>
<p>"There’s a real sense of community, and talking about your grief sets you free in such a powerful way," Kathryn says. "We are all more similar than we think. Our circumstances may differ, and how we handle our grief might be different, but the way these feelings affect you in a way that you never could have imagined is universal."</p>
<p>Emma echoes: "I remember being 18 and there not being any help for teens who had lost a parent.</p>
<p>"I want to talk about my mum. The pain is there, and it's not going to go unless you share it. I know that I started to heal when I began speaking about the loss of my mother. Like anything in life, we feel better when we share our feelings with the right people.</p>
<p>"I like to think this podcast gives people hope."</p>
<h2><em>The Dead Parent Podcast, which is produced by This Is Distorted, can be listened to <a href="https://podfollow.com/deadparentclub/view" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here</a>. </em></h2>
<h2>Feature image credit: Alamy</h2>


Podcast stars give hope to people struggling with grief as they discuss healing after losing their mothers

It can be hard to know how to choose the right sex toy when you're a woman — there's just so much variety these days!

From vibrators to dedicated clitoral stimulators, there's apparently a toy for everything.

[caption id="attachment_12631785" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631785 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/BJN5B9-scaled.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="2560" height="1707" /> For women, it can be hard to know how to choose the right sex toy (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How to choose the right sex toy for women</h2>
So, if you've decided to take the plunge and invest, but are feeling a little overwhelmed, you're in the right place.

Here, we break down how to choose the right sex toy for your personal needs.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/how-often-couples-have-sex">Relationship study reveals how often couples really have sex</a></strong></p>

<h3>1. Know the difference</h3>
First, narrow down what kind of toy you want. To start with the basics, you have dildos, which offer the sensation of vaginal penetration, while vibrators, on the other hand, can be used on the clitoris or the nipples.

Alternatively, there are clitoral suction toys, which give a stronger, targeted stimulation. Then, there are rabbit vibrators that offer the best of both worlds, with simultaneous clitoral and vaginal action.

[caption id="attachment_12631786" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631786" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/2E3CNG9-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex toy " width="2560" height="1709" /> Narrow down what type of toy you're going to go for (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>2. Size matters</h3>
Novices and toy fanatics will have very different ideas as to what the perfect sized sex toy is. You may want to start off with something smaller if you're a first-timer, and build up to a larger toy after some time has passed.

You may also want to bear in mind discretion. A bullet vibrator will be much easier to keep hidden away, than, say, a 12-inch dildo.

[caption id="attachment_12631737" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631737 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FHXGHK-scaled.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="2560" height="1707" /> Decide what kind of size you want (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>3. Look at the features</h3>
Everyone's different, and you may want something specific from your sex toy. For example, do you want something with lots of different settings, or are you happy to stick to just one? And do you need something that pretty much silent — or do you live alone?

There's also the question of whether you may need a waterproof toy. If you only ever use them in your bedroom, there's no point forking out more cash for that feature if you doubt you'll ever use it.

[caption id="attachment_12631787" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631787 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/2F72F5J-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1706" /> Different toys have different features (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>4. Bear in mind your budget</h3>
There is a range of sex toys on the market, and they all come at different prices. One vibrator may set you back a couple of quid, while another may break the bank. If you're trying something out for the first time, it may be wise to opt for a more affordable option, and then price up if you want to invest.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/health-beauty/how-apply-lubricants-females-vaginal-dryness"><span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;How to apply lubricants for females – 9 tips for overcoming vaginal dryness and eradicating painful sex&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:513,&quot;3&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:0},&quot;12&quot;:0}">9 tips for overcoming vaginal dryness and eradicating painful sex</span></a></strong></p>
Alternatively, you may know that your body loves a certain type of toy. In which case, splashing some more cash could lead to some more advanced features... and a stronger orgasm.

[caption id="attachment_12631739" align="alignnone" width="1707"]<img class="wp-image-12631739 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/EWG331-scaled.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="1707" height="2560" /> Some toys will set you back a pretty penny (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3 class="sc-1udeajx-10 kyNkJy">5. Consider texture</h3>
The texture of your sex toy can increase or decrease pleasure.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/difference-water-based-lube-silicone-lubricant">Your guide to finding the best lube</a></strong></p>
If you want extra stimulation, go for a toy that is ribbed or bumpy. You can also have fun with temperature by using a toy that's made of a cool metal for added goosebumps.

[caption id="attachment_12631738" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631738" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/P3G73E-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /> If you want extra stimulation, go for a toy that is ribbed or bumpy (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>6. And material...</h3>
Some materials are more popular than others. Here's a round-up of the most common materials you'll find in female sex toys...

<strong>Silicone:</strong> Normally, velvety soft and super durable. But ensure to only used water-based lube with this kind of toy, (more on that later...)

<strong>Glass:</strong> Sex toys made out of glass are strong and resistant, and good if you want to explore temperature play.

<strong>ABS Plastic:</strong> This material is often found in bullet vibrators, and in your toy's handle.

<strong>TPE/TPR:</strong> These kind of rubbers are safe for skin, and are often used to mimic the appearance of a real body.

<strong>Jelly:</strong> This material is found in cheaper toys, and can cause irritation if you're sensitive to latex.

[caption id="attachment_12631788" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="wp-image-12631788 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/we-vibe-wow-tech-J39qG9mXcZ0-unsplash.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="1920" height="1280" /> Some materials are more popular than others (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3 class="body-text">7. Noise</h3>
If you live with multiple flatmates, you may want something that's on the quieter side.

Some vibrators have a pretty powerful buzz, which can make it difficult for you to use them whenever you fancy. So, pay attention to the product description, and look for any indications that it may have sound dampening properties.

[caption id="attachment_12631738" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631738" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/P3G73E-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /> Consider if you want a quieter toy (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>8. Lube warning</h3>
Some lubricants are known to break down the materials in sex toys.

Silicone-based lubes should never be used with silicone-based sex toys, as they can break down the rubber over time. But feel free to use them with toys made from other materials, such as plastic, glass and steel.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/coconut-oil-used-lube">5 everyday items that are safe to use when you run out of lubricant</a></strong></p>
Likewise, oil-based lubes should not be used with latex sex toys as they can dissolve the latex and cause them to wear down over time.

As a general rule of thumb, if you prefer to use lube with your toys, stick to the water-based variety.

[caption id="attachment_12631789" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="wp-image-12631789 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/we-vibe-wow-tech-HSMgtrRoVIY-unsplash.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="1920" height="1280" /> Some lubricants are known to break down the materials in sex toys (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h3>9. Aesthetics</h3>
If you're not a fan of garish, hot pink sex toys, then don't buy them!

Ultimately, us humans are visual creatures, and we're much more likely to use something if it appeals to our tastes and style. As there are so many different toys on the market, you can easily find something muted if that's more your vibe.

[caption id="attachment_12631741" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631741" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/taras-chernus-mYt2lGON2cc-unsplash.jpeg" alt="" width="1920" height="1280" /> Choice for something that you like looking at (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h3>10. Consider if it's multifunctional</h3>
Some sex toys may be better equipped to be used during sex, as well as for masturbation.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/water-based-lube-vs-oil-lubricants-sex">Water based lube vs oil – your guide to the best lubricants for sex</a>
</strong></p>
If you'd like to incorporate sex toy play with your partner, bear that in mind before you purchase. A larger sex toy may be easier to use in the bedroom, than, for example, a bullet vibrator, which is more suited for solo masturbation.

[caption id="attachment_12631740" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631740" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FB2C7H-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /> Bear in mind if you'd like to use your toy solo, or with a partner (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h3>11. Is it waterproof?</h3>
Not all toys are made the same. Before you purchase, think about whether you'd like to use it in different settings, such as in the shower or bath.

While many sex toys are waterproof these days, there are still some that are not. As ever, ensure to read the packaging!
<h5>Feature image credit: Alamy</h5>

<p>It can be hard to know how to choose the right sex toy when you're a woman — there's just so much variety these days!</p>
<p>From vibrators to dedicated clitoral stimulators, there's apparently a toy for everything.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631785 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/BJN5B9-scaled.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 For women, it can be hard to know how to choose the right sex toy (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How to choose the right sex toy for women</h2>
<p>So, if you've decided to take the plunge and invest, but are feeling a little overwhelmed, you're in the right place.</p>
<p>Here, we break down how to choose the right sex toy for your personal needs.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/how-often-couples-have-sex">Relationship study reveals how often couples really have sex</a></strong></p>
<h2>1. Know the difference</h2>
<p>First, narrow down what kind of toy you want. To start with the basics, you have dildos, which offer the sensation of vaginal penetration, while vibrators, on the other hand, can be used on the clitoris or the nipples.</p>
<p>Alternatively, there are clitoral suction toys, which give a stronger, targeted stimulation. Then, there are rabbit vibrators that offer the best of both worlds, with simultaneous clitoral and vaginal action.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631786" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/2E3CNG9-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex toy " width="2560" height="1709" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Narrow down what type of toy you're going to go for (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>2. Size matters</h2>
<p>Novices and toy fanatics will have very different ideas as to what the perfect sized sex toy is. You may want to start off with something smaller if you're a first-timer, and build up to a larger toy after some time has passed.</p>
<p>You may also want to bear in mind discretion. A bullet vibrator will be much easier to keep hidden away, than, say, a 12-inch dildo.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631737 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FHXGHK-scaled.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Decide what kind of size you want (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>3. Look at the features</h2>
<p>Everyone's different, and you may want something specific from your sex toy. For example, do you want something with lots of different settings, or are you happy to stick to just one? And do you need something that pretty much silent — or do you live alone?</p>
<p>There's also the question of whether you may need a waterproof toy. If you only ever use them in your bedroom, there's no point forking out more cash for that feature if you doubt you'll ever use it.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631787 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/2F72F5J-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1706" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Different toys have different features (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>4. Bear in mind your budget</h2>
<p>There is a range of sex toys on the market, and they all come at different prices. One vibrator may set you back a couple of quid, while another may break the bank. If you're trying something out for the first time, it may be wise to opt for a more affordable option, and then price up if you want to invest.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/health-beauty/how-apply-lubricants-females-vaginal-dryness">9 tips for overcoming vaginal dryness and eradicating painful sex</a></strong></p>
<p>Alternatively, you may know that your body loves a certain type of toy. In which case, splashing some more cash could lead to some more advanced features... and a stronger orgasm.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631739 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/EWG331-scaled.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="1707" height="2560" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Some toys will set you back a pretty penny (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="sc-1udeajx-10 kyNkJy">5. Consider texture</h2>
<p>The texture of your sex toy can increase or decrease pleasure.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/difference-water-based-lube-silicone-lubricant">Your guide to finding the best lube</a></strong></p>
<p>If you want extra stimulation, go for a toy that is ribbed or bumpy. You can also have fun with temperature by using a toy that's made of a cool metal for added goosebumps.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631738" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/P3G73E-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 If you want extra stimulation, go for a toy that is ribbed or bumpy (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>6. And material...</h2>
<p>Some materials are more popular than others. Here's a round-up of the most common materials you'll find in female sex toys...</p>
<p><strong>Silicone:</strong> Normally, velvety soft and super durable. But ensure to only used water-based lube with this kind of toy, (more on that later...)</p>
<p><strong>Glass:</strong> Sex toys made out of glass are strong and resistant, and good if you want to explore temperature play.</p>
<p><strong>ABS Plastic:</strong> This material is often found in bullet vibrators, and in your toy's handle.</p>
<p><strong>TPE/TPR:</strong> These kind of rubbers are safe for skin, and are often used to mimic the appearance of a real body.</p>
<p><strong>Jelly:</strong> This material is found in cheaper toys, and can cause irritation if you're sensitive to latex.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631788 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/we-vibe-wow-tech-J39qG9mXcZ0-unsplash.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="1920" height="1280" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Some materials are more popular than others (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="body-text">7. Noise</h2>
<p>If you live with multiple flatmates, you may want something that's on the quieter side.</p>
<p>Some vibrators have a pretty powerful buzz, which can make it difficult for you to use them whenever you fancy. So, pay attention to the product description, and look for any indications that it may have sound dampening properties.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631738" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/P3G73E-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Consider if you want a quieter toy (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>8. Lube warning</h2>
<p>Some lubricants are known to break down the materials in sex toys.</p>
<p>Silicone-based lubes should never be used with silicone-based sex toys, as they can break down the rubber over time. But feel free to use them with toys made from other materials, such as plastic, glass and steel.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/coconut-oil-used-lube">5 everyday items that are safe to use when you run out of lubricant</a></strong></p>
<p>Likewise, oil-based lubes should not be used with latex sex toys as they can dissolve the latex and cause them to wear down over time.</p>
<p>As a general rule of thumb, if you prefer to use lube with your toys, stick to the water-based variety.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631789 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/we-vibe-wow-tech-HSMgtrRoVIY-unsplash.jpeg" alt="How to choose the right sex toy for women" width="1920" height="1280" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Some lubricants are known to break down the materials in sex toys (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>9. Aesthetics</h2>
<p>If you're not a fan of garish, hot pink sex toys, then don't buy them!</p>
<p>Ultimately, us humans are visual creatures, and we're much more likely to use something if it appeals to our tastes and style. As there are so many different toys on the market, you can easily find something muted if that's more your vibe.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631741" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/taras-chernus-mYt2lGON2cc-unsplash.jpeg" alt="" width="1920" height="1280" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Choice for something that you like looking at (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>10. Consider if it's multifunctional</h2>
<p>Some sex toys may be better equipped to be used during sex, as well as for masturbation.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/water-based-lube-vs-oil-lubricants-sex">Water based lube vs oil – your guide to the best lubricants for sex</a><br />
</strong></p>
<p>If you'd like to incorporate sex toy play with your partner, bear that in mind before you purchase. A larger sex toy may be easier to use in the bedroom, than, for example, a bullet vibrator, which is more suited for solo masturbation.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631740" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FB2C7H-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Bear in mind if you'd like to use your toy solo, or with a partner (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>11. Is it waterproof?</h2>
<p>Not all toys are made the same. Before you purchase, think about whether you'd like to use it in different settings, such as in the shower or bath.</p>
<p>While many sex toys are waterproof these days, there are still some that are not. As ever, ensure to read the packaging!</p>
<h2>Feature image credit: Alamy</h2>


How to choose the right sex toy for women – 11 tips for buying the best bedroom accessories for you

As the old saying goes, you really never know what's going on behind closed doors. While Matt Hancock and his wife of 15 years, Martha, appeared to have a strong marriage — the former Heath Secretary was filmed kissing his aide, Gina Coladangelo, last week.

Per reports, Martha, who shares three children with Hancock, was blind-sighted by her husband's affair and decision to end heir marriage. Family friends told <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/matt-hancocks-wife-was-facebook-24411051" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Daily Mail</a> that the osteopath believed her relationship was "happy and stable", and that she was even Facebook friends with Coladangelo.

Unfortunately, Martha is not the first person to be unceremoniously dumped out of the blue. It can happen to anyone, regardless of how picture perfect their relationship may seem on the outside.

Here, <strong>Four Nine</strong> speaks to <a href="https://www.bacp.co.uk">BACP</a> and <a href="https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk">UKCP</a> registered psychotherapist, Dr Rashon Chowdhury, about why people end relationships out of the blue and how their blind-sided partners can get through it...

[caption id="attachment_12631750" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631750 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/2G53FA6-scaled.jpeg" alt="Why was I dumped out of the blue" width="2560" height="1707" /> Four Nine speaks to psychotherapist, Dr Rashon Chowdhury (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>Why was I dumped out of the blue?</h2>
Dr Rashon explains that relationships come to an end unexpectedly when a couple's values stop aligning.

"It can also come about when needs are not being met, and getting into a rut, as well as people's work lives," she tells me. "Before the pandemic, people would be working away from their home and their partner — maybe working really late, and having a big social circle outside the partner."
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-long-sex-last-therapist">Relationship therapist reveals how long sex should really last</a></strong></p>
These circumstances may result in a third party being involved, which is often a major factor behind these kinds of splits.

While every relationship is different, Dr Rashon adds that there are a number of factors that influence an abrupt severance. In her practice, she has found that it can occur around one party wanting children and the other not — or disagreements about marriage.

But, as the psychotherapist stresses, most breakups — regardless of the way they're handled — come about because there's been a rupture in communication.

"Ideally, it would be great if people who were in relationships had some time every week to sit down and talk about how they are, and really listen, but people don't tend to do that. Life can get on top of you, with work and kids, but communication is really, really key," she says.

These are all reasons why a person may choose to suddenly end the relationship. But instead of choosing to let their partner know by having a discussion, their feelings of fear, shame and guilt would result in them making a rash decision, such as ghosting or leaving without any notice.

[caption id="attachment_12631751" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631751 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/HJPCCF-scaled.jpeg" alt="Why was I dumped out of the blue" width="2560" height="1571" /> Relationships come to an end unexpectedly when a couple's values stop aligning (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2 class="mceTemp">What effects can this kind of breakup have on your mental health?</h2>
As Dr Rashon points out, being dumped out of the blue can trigger a lot of fear and be incredibly heartbreaking. The severity of this, though, depends on how long the individual has been with their partner, and the level of commitment.

"All relationships when they break up are really, really painful, but when you go through the whole thing of getting married, and there are children involved, then you've got the loss of the home, the loss of the way of life, and the loss of a way of being, really," she explains. "Plus, because of the way you were broken up with, you haven't had time to process that there may have been something that wasn't in alignment in the relationship.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/self-isolate-breaking-up-ex-single-best-life">I had to self-isolate with my ex after breaking up</a></strong></p>
"So what happens is you go into shock, and that takes quite a while to get over, because it brings a lot of things, like numbness and confusion. It's like someone dying. You go through a bereavement process, which involves five stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."

This, Dr Rashon says, can really impact an individual's mental health — and without the proper support, they could find themselves sinking into anxiety and depression.

"They might start thinking 'what's wrong with me', or 'was I not attractive and smart enough'," she explains. "A lot of people come to counsellors and psychotherapists because of the shock of a breakup. When someone dumps you for no reason that you can see, your mind just can't grasp why this happened, and that can trigger challenging mental health issues."

[caption id="attachment_12631752" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631752" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/2DEN6RX-scaled.jpeg" alt="breakup " width="2560" height="1707" /> Being dumped out of the blue can trigger a lot of fear (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How to get over being dumped out of the blue</h2>
Dr Rashon explains that one of the best ways to get over any breakup is to take solace in your friendships.

"There's something about the solidarity of your friendship groups and your family – if they are supportive. They know how hard it is, as they've maybe been through it before. It's also helpful to be as far away from the other person as possible," she continues — noting that it may be a good idea to remove yourself from your and your ex's shared friendship group temporarily.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;How to deal with toxic family members – 8 coping techniques to protect your wellbeing \n&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:14915,&quot;3&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:0},&quot;4&quot;:[null,2,16777215],&quot;9&quot;:0,&quot;12&quot;:0,&quot;14&quot;:[null,2,0],&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;,&quot;16&quot;:11}"><strong><a href="https://www.fournine.net/how-deal-toxic-family-members-coping-techniques">8 coping techniques for dealing with toxic family members</a> </strong>
</span></p>
Then, Dr Rashon advises putting your mind to the things that you really love doing, but she stresses to take this "one step at a time" as any separation takes time to process.

"You don't need to forgive your ex, but you do need to forgive yourself for the way that you've been feeling — whether it's been making you feel guilty or not good enough," she adds.

"Because, actually, you're innocent and that's the most important thing to keep in mind. You never set out to hurt anybody, or make anyone leave you. Whatever is going on in their life journey is their life journey, and you're on yours. So in order to forgive somebody — if you feel you have to — you need to forgive yourself for not feeling good enough or not being what you think you should have been."
<h4><em>Dr Rashon Chowdhury is a BACP and UKCP registered psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. She is also the Director of Professional and Academic studies at the Centre for Counselling and Psychotherapy Education (CCPE) in London. </em></h4>
<h4>Feature image credit: Alamy</h4>

<p>As the old saying goes, you really never know what's going on behind closed doors. While Matt Hancock and his wife of 15 years, Martha, appeared to have a strong marriage — the former Heath Secretary was filmed kissing his aide, Gina Coladangelo, last week.</p>
<p>Per reports, Martha, who shares three children with Hancock, was blind-sighted by her husband's affair and decision to end heir marriage. Family friends told <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/matt-hancocks-wife-was-facebook-24411051" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Daily Mail</a> that the osteopath believed her relationship was "happy and stable", and that she was even Facebook friends with Coladangelo.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, Martha is not the first person to be unceremoniously dumped out of the blue. It can happen to anyone, regardless of how picture perfect their relationship may seem on the outside.</p>
<p>Here, <strong>Four Nine</strong> speaks to <a href="https://www.bacp.co.uk">BACP</a> and <a href="https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk">UKCP</a> registered psychotherapist, Dr Rashon Chowdhury, about why people end relationships out of the blue and how their blind-sided partners can get through it...</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631750 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/2G53FA6-scaled.jpeg" alt="Why was I dumped out of the blue" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Four Nine speaks to psychotherapist, Dr Rashon Chowdhury (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Why was I dumped out of the blue?</h2>
<p>Dr Rashon explains that relationships come to an end unexpectedly when a couple's values stop aligning.</p>
<p>"It can also come about when needs are not being met, and getting into a rut, as well as people's work lives," she tells me. "Before the pandemic, people would be working away from their home and their partner — maybe working really late, and having a big social circle outside the partner."</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/relationships/how-long-sex-last-therapist">Relationship therapist reveals how long sex should really last</a></strong></p>
<p>These circumstances may result in a third party being involved, which is often a major factor behind these kinds of splits.</p>
<p>While every relationship is different, Dr Rashon adds that there are a number of factors that influence an abrupt severance. In her practice, she has found that it can occur around one party wanting children and the other not — or disagreements about marriage.</p>
<p>But, as the psychotherapist stresses, most breakups — regardless of the way they're handled — come about because there's been a rupture in communication.</p>
<p>"Ideally, it would be great if people who were in relationships had some time every week to sit down and talk about how they are, and really listen, but people don't tend to do that. Life can get on top of you, with work and kids, but communication is really, really key," she says.</p>
<p>These are all reasons why a person may choose to suddenly end the relationship. But instead of choosing to let their partner know by having a discussion, their feelings of fear, shame and guilt would result in them making a rash decision, such as ghosting or leaving without any notice.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631751 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/HJPCCF-scaled.jpeg" alt="Why was I dumped out of the blue" width="2560" height="1571" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Relationships come to an end unexpectedly when a couple's values stop aligning (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="mceTemp">What effects can this kind of breakup have on your mental health?</h2>
<p>As Dr Rashon points out, being dumped out of the blue can trigger a lot of fear and be incredibly heartbreaking. The severity of this, though, depends on how long the individual has been with their partner, and the level of commitment.</p>
<p>"All relationships when they break up are really, really painful, but when you go through the whole thing of getting married, and there are children involved, then you've got the loss of the home, the loss of the way of life, and the loss of a way of being, really," she explains. "Plus, because of the way you were broken up with, you haven't had time to process that there may have been something that wasn't in alignment in the relationship.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/self-isolate-breaking-up-ex-single-best-life">I had to self-isolate with my ex after breaking up</a></strong></p>
<p>"So what happens is you go into shock, and that takes quite a while to get over, because it brings a lot of things, like numbness and confusion. It's like someone dying. You go through a bereavement process, which involves five stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."</p>
<p>This, Dr Rashon says, can really impact an individual's mental health — and without the proper support, they could find themselves sinking into anxiety and depression.</p>
<p>"They might start thinking 'what's wrong with me', or 'was I not attractive and smart enough'," she explains. "A lot of people come to counsellors and psychotherapists because of the shock of a breakup. When someone dumps you for no reason that you can see, your mind just can't grasp why this happened, and that can trigger challenging mental health issues."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631752" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/06/2DEN6RX-scaled.jpeg" alt="breakup " width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Being dumped out of the blue can trigger a lot of fear (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How to get over being dumped out of the blue</h2>
<p>Dr Rashon explains that one of the best ways to get over any breakup is to take solace in your friendships.</p>
<p>"There's something about the solidarity of your friendship groups and your family – if they are supportive. They know how hard it is, as they've maybe been through it before. It's also helpful to be as far away from the other person as possible," she continues — noting that it may be a good idea to remove yourself from your and your ex's shared friendship group temporarily.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><strong><a href="https://www.fournine.net/how-deal-toxic-family-members-coping-techniques">8 coping techniques for dealing with toxic family members</a></strong>
</p>
<p>Then, Dr Rashon advises putting your mind to the things that you really love doing, but she stresses to take this "one step at a time" as any separation takes time to process.</p>
<p>"You don't need to forgive your ex, but you do need to forgive yourself for the way that you've been feeling — whether it's been making you feel guilty or not good enough," she adds.</p>
<p>"Because, actually, you're innocent and that's the most important thing to keep in mind. You never set out to hurt anybody, or make anyone leave you. Whatever is going on in their life journey is their life journey, and you're on yours. So in order to forgive somebody — if you feel you have to — you need to forgive yourself for not feeling good enough or not being what you think you should have been."</p>
<h2><em>Dr Rashon Chowdhury is a BACP and UKCP registered psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. She is also the Director of Professional and Academic studies at the Centre for Counselling and Psychotherapy Education (CCPE) in London. </em></h2>
<h2>Feature image credit: Alamy</h2>


Why was I dumped out of the blue? Relationship expert explains what it really means

At one point or another, you've likely been curious about how long sex should last. Sure, we all do it — but sometimes it can be difficult to know what "the norm" is, or if there even is one!

To answer all your burning questions, Four Nine speaks to relationship and sex therapist, <a href="https://www.bacp.co.uk/profile/a0d2fcfa-5390-e711-80e8-3863bb351d40" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Domonique Hillam-Thompson</a>.

[caption id="attachment_12631741" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="wp-image-12631741 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/taras-chernus-mYt2lGON2cc-unsplash.jpeg" alt="sex" width="1920" height="1280" /> Four Nine spoke to relationship and sex therapist, Domonique Hillam-Thompson (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h2>How long should sex last on average?</h2>
Hillam-Thompson says: "It's dependent on the couple really. It should last for as long as each party is happy with.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://fournine.net/lifestyle/how-often-couples-have-sex" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How often do couples have sex? Relationship study reveals what's really going on in the bedroom</a></p>
"The only time I find it becomes a problem is if there's some kind of sexual dysfunction, or if one person isn't happy with the amount of time it's lasting for. Generally, the couples who complain about this would be experiencing something like premature ejaculation, or if one person is having trouble orgasming. This is when it can become an issue.

"But, the length of time sex should last is usually negotiated between each and every couple. I don't really think there is an average time that sex lasts because everyone is different."

[caption id="attachment_12631737" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631737 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FHXGHK-scaled.jpeg" alt="How long should sex last?" width="2560" height="1707" /> Your sexual desires are highly individual (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How long do men typically last before ejaculating?</h2>
According to a study conducted by the <a href="https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/#:~:text=A%20study%20looking%20at%20500,how%20long%20sex%20should%20last." target="_blank" rel="noopener">NHS</a>, which looked at 500 different couples from five different countries, the average time taken to ejaculate during intercourse was around 5-and-a-half minutes. But as the psychotherapist stresses, there's no definition of how long men should go before ejaculation.

"Every man is different, and it can depend on whether there's foreplay beforehand, how much foreplay there is, and whether there are any outside factors influencing them," she adds. "For example, if there's something they're dealing with emotionally, such as issues with a family member. It can also be caused by health issues, so, there's a huge, huge variety of things that can affect it."

[caption id="attachment_12631739" align="alignnone" width="1707"]<img class="wp-image-12631739 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/EWG331-scaled.jpeg" alt="intercourse" width="1707" height="2560" /> Some men last longer, others last for a shorter amount of time (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How many rounds can a man go?</h2>
According to Hillam-Thompson, how many rounds a man can go varies from "several minutes, to hours and even day".

She adds: "This is largely age-dependent — as a younger man will typically be able to go more 'rounds', while an older man may not be able to as much.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/difference-water-based-lube-silicone-lubricant">Your guide to finding the best lube</a></strong></p>
"Women, on the other hand, do not have a refractory period. They can orgasm, and then build up again, and keep orgasming as many times as they like."

[caption id="attachment_12631738" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631738 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/P3G73E-scaled.jpeg" alt="intercourse" width="2560" height="1707" /> There is a refractory period in men, before they can have sex again (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How to make sex last longer</h2>
For couples who are looking to make sex last longer, Hillam-Thompson recommends "stopping and starting" – or edging. "Foreplay can be added into this, so if you stop penetration, for example, and focus on each other — this can elongate the experience.

"Research shows that older couples have better quality intercourse," she continues. "They do actually have longer sex, it's shown, but this isn't necessarily anything to do with penetration. It can be a variety of things, but they likely engage in more foreplay.

"Another thing could be practising pelvic floor exercises. They can help with the hardness of the erection, ejaculatory control, and the intensity of the orgasm. These exercises can also increase the pressure you feel during sex, due to blood flow."

[caption id="attachment_12631740" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12631740 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FB2C7H-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /> The edging technique can make intercourse last longer (Credit: Alamy)[/caption]
<h2>How often do women want sex?</h2>
Again, here, it depends on the woman in question.

Like with any gender, some women want lots of it, and others want less.

As the psychotherapist comments: "In my line of work, I see such a mixture. It's untrue that men want sex more than women, women want just as much sex as men. But, of course, everyone is different.

[caption id="attachment_12631742" align="alignnone" width="1707"]<img class="wp-image-12631742 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/monika-kozub-9Evqbiy9Lj8-unsplash-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="1707" height="2560" /> Women want it just as much as men (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h2>How often do men need sex?</h2>
"Men do not need sex a certain number of times," Hillam-Thompson stresses, adding that it's down to the individual in regards to how many times they feel like they "need" to engage in intercourse.

"As a sex therapist, I sometimes put a ban on sex, which can last a minimum of three months," she continues. "Men don't need sex – they might want it, or desire it, but they don't need it."
<h5>Feature image credit: Alamy</h5>

<p>At one point or another, you've likely been curious about how long sex should last. Sure, we all do it — but sometimes it can be difficult to know what "the norm" is, or if there even is one!</p>
<p>To answer all your burning questions, Four Nine speaks to relationship and sex therapist, <a href="https://www.bacp.co.uk/profile/a0d2fcfa-5390-e711-80e8-3863bb351d40" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Domonique Hillam-Thompson</a>.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631741 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/taras-chernus-mYt2lGON2cc-unsplash.jpeg" alt="sex" width="1920" height="1280" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Four Nine spoke to relationship and sex therapist, Domonique Hillam-Thompson (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How long should sex last on average?</h2>
<p>Hillam-Thompson says: "It's dependent on the couple really. It should last for as long as each party is happy with.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://fournine.net/lifestyle/how-often-couples-have-sex" target="_blank" rel="noopener">How often do couples have sex? Relationship study reveals what's really going on in the bedroom</a></p>
<p>"The only time I find it becomes a problem is if there's some kind of sexual dysfunction, or if one person isn't happy with the amount of time it's lasting for. Generally, the couples who complain about this would be experiencing something like premature ejaculation, or if one person is having trouble orgasming. This is when it can become an issue.</p>
<p>"But, the length of time sex should last is usually negotiated between each and every couple. I don't really think there is an average time that sex lasts because everyone is different."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631737 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FHXGHK-scaled.jpeg" alt="How long should sex last?" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Your sexual desires are highly individual (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How long do men typically last before ejaculating?</h2>
<p>According to a study conducted by the <a href="https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/#:~:text=A%20study%20looking%20at%20500,how%20long%20sex%20should%20last." target="_blank" rel="noopener">NHS</a>, which looked at 500 different couples from five different countries, the average time taken to ejaculate during intercourse was around 5-and-a-half minutes. But as the psychotherapist stresses, there's no definition of how long men should go before ejaculation.</p>
<p>"Every man is different, and it can depend on whether there's foreplay beforehand, how much foreplay there is, and whether there are any outside factors influencing them," she adds. "For example, if there's something they're dealing with emotionally, such as issues with a family member. It can also be caused by health issues, so, there's a huge, huge variety of things that can affect it."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631739 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/EWG331-scaled.jpeg" alt="intercourse" width="1707" height="2560" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Some men last longer, others last for a shorter amount of time (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How many rounds can a man go?</h2>
<p>According to Hillam-Thompson, how many rounds a man can go varies from "several minutes, to hours and even day".</p>
<p>She adds: "This is largely age-dependent — as a younger man will typically be able to go more 'rounds', while an older man may not be able to as much.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/difference-water-based-lube-silicone-lubricant">Your guide to finding the best lube</a></strong></p>
<p>"Women, on the other hand, do not have a refractory period. They can orgasm, and then build up again, and keep orgasming as many times as they like."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631738 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/P3G73E-scaled.jpeg" alt="intercourse" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 There is a refractory period in men, before they can have sex again (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How to make sex last longer</h2>
<p>For couples who are looking to make sex last longer, Hillam-Thompson recommends "stopping and starting" – or edging. "Foreplay can be added into this, so if you stop penetration, for example, and focus on each other — this can elongate the experience.</p>
<p>"Research shows that older couples have better quality intercourse," she continues. "They do actually have longer sex, it's shown, but this isn't necessarily anything to do with penetration. It can be a variety of things, but they likely engage in more foreplay.</p>
<p>"Another thing could be practising pelvic floor exercises. They can help with the hardness of the erection, ejaculatory control, and the intensity of the orgasm. These exercises can also increase the pressure you feel during sex, due to blood flow."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631740 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/FB2C7H-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 The edging technique can make intercourse last longer (Credit: Alamy)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How often do women want sex?</h2>
<p>Again, here, it depends on the woman in question.</p>
<p>Like with any gender, some women want lots of it, and others want less.</p>
<p>As the psychotherapist comments: "In my line of work, I see such a mixture. It's untrue that men want sex more than women, women want just as much sex as men. But, of course, everyone is different.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12631742 size-full" src="https://img.fournine.net/2021/07/monika-kozub-9Evqbiy9Lj8-unsplash-scaled.jpeg" alt="sex" width="1707" height="2560" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Women want it just as much as men (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>How often do men need sex?</h2>
<p>"Men do not need sex a certain number of times," Hillam-Thompson stresses, adding that it's down to the individual in regards to how many times they feel like they "need" to engage in intercourse.</p>
<p>"As a sex therapist, I sometimes put a ban on sex, which can last a minimum of three months," she continues. "Men don't need sex – they might want it, or desire it, but they don't need it."</p>
<h2>Feature image credit: Alamy</h2>


How long should sex last? Relationship and sex therapist answers frequent questions around sex

Millie tells me that she has always been "fiercely maternal". The 33-year-old runs an <a href="https://www.instagram.com/jessi_and_millie/?hl=en" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Instagram account</a> with her wife, Jessi, where they speak candidly about their experience as foster mums, and their pregnancy journey.

The couple were long-term foster parents to one child, who came to them when she was 14-years-old, and left when she was 16. After she left their home, they embarked on their fertility journey. Today, Millie is in her second trimester with their first child, who was conceived via a known sperm donor.

For two mothers-to-be, their experience of Father's Day isn't what society has come to expect — but they are working out some sweet ways to make it very much their own. As Millie tells <strong>VT</strong>, one of the most special things about her relationship is that she and her partner didn't quite fit into either gender role.

[caption id="attachment_12631628" align="aligncenter" width="929"]<img class=" wp-image-12631628" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/06/Screen-Shot-2021-06-18-at-09.30.58.png" alt="" width="929" height="744" /> Millie and her partner Jessi don't quite fit into either gender role (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

"[Our foster daughter] actually used to call Jessi 'Dam' and me 'Mud'," Millie reveals. "Because Jessi was like a dad with a tiny bit of mum, and I was a mum with a tiny bit of dad. She saw me as a motherly figure, but then again, I was quite tomboyish, so we'd go surfing and mountain biking — and those would be what you'd describe as my 'dad' traits. It's funny what kids can pick up."
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/transgender-military-ban-stopped-serving-pride">The transgender military ban stopped me from serving with pride</a>
</strong></p>
Previously, the couple celebrated Father's Day with their foster daughter's biological dad. But Millie's partner Jessi was also given a quintessential Father's Day present: a power drill. "[Our foster daughter] had lived in a lot of different homes, and all of them had had a male and a female, so it was interesting for her to come and see our family unit," Millie explains.

[caption id="attachment_12631629" align="aligncenter" width="449"]<img class=" wp-image-12631629" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/06/Screen-Shot-2021-06-18-at-09.30.48.png" alt="" width="449" height="676" /> The couple have had discussions about Father's Day (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

For Father's Day going forward, Millie and Jessi are of the mentality that it takes a village to raise a child, and are keen to get involved as proud LGBTQ parents. "We've actually had a few discussions about it," she admits. "We've considered letting Jessi have Father's Day and I have Mother's Day, so that we both have our own special weekend.

"I've also got some other lesbian friends with kids, and one of them takes the Saturday, and the other the Sunday. Then, I've got cousins and friends who are single mums, and they'll use that day to celebrate the other important men in their life – or their grandparents.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/non-binary-aaliyah-ramsey-trolls-representation">Non-binary influencer Aaliyah Ramsay on overcoming trolls and fighting for representation </a></strong></p>
"The thing that people are often so negative about with same-sex parents is they think that kids need a male role model, but I don't think they realise that children grow up with so many role models. Our kid is going to have grandparents, uncles, and all of these other important male figures in their life. So, perhaps on Father's Day, we'll use it to celebrate all of the important men in our lives."

[caption id="attachment_12631630" align="aligncenter" width="907"]<img class=" wp-image-12631630" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/06/Screen-Shot-2021-06-18-at-09.31.26.png" alt="" width="907" height="729" /> Millie and Jessi are expecting their first child in November (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

But understandably, the couple are incredibly excited for their first Mother's Day with their baby — who is due in November.

"I wonder who will surprise who – like who gets to make the breakfast in bed," Millie laughs. "But we've always managed to find our own rhythm. That's why it's so wonderful being in a same-sex relationship, because there aren't these traditional gender stereotypes that you have to live up to."

This is something that they're conscious to impart onto their unborn child, and society writ large. Millie tells me that one of her pet peeves when it comes to parenting is how often we gender children's relationships from such a young age.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/pregnancy-discrimination-nearly-killed-baby-boss">Pregnancy discrimination nearly killed my baby – I'll never forgive my manager</a></strong></p>
"We have to normalise LGBTQ relationships as much as possible, because we see a toddler and say 'oh, he's going to be such a heartbreaker, or 'he's making eyes at the waitress' – I'm guilty of this too. But people will see a little boy or girl holding hands and be like 'they'll get married one day". Whereas, if it were two little girls, people would never say that. It's crazy that we're making assumptions about a toddler's sexuality."

In the same vein, Millie stresses that it's never too early to speak to children about same-sex relationships. "There's a negative connotation that it's a sexual thing – but it's not," she states. "It's about relationships. When you're playing with kids and you have dolls out, you could casually be like, oh, this is mummy and mummy, and this is their baby.

"These things can be very casually dropped into conversation — you can just naturally show children that families like ours do  exist."
<h4>Feature image credit: Supplied</h4>

<p>Millie tells me that she has always been "fiercely maternal". The 33-year-old runs an <a href="https://www.instagram.com/jessi_and_millie/?hl=en" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Instagram account</a> with her wife, Jessi, where they speak candidly about their experience as foster mums, and their pregnancy journey.</p>
<p>The couple were long-term foster parents to one child, who came to them when she was 14-years-old, and left when she was 16. After she left their home, they embarked on their fertility journey. Today, Millie is in her second trimester with their first child, who was conceived via a known sperm donor.</p>
<p>For two mothers-to-be, their experience of Father's Day isn't what society has come to expect — but they are working out some sweet ways to make it very much their own. As Millie tells <strong>VT</strong>, one of the most special things about her relationship is that she and her partner didn't quite fit into either gender role.</p>
<figure>
            <img class=" wp-image-12631628" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/06/Screen-Shot-2021-06-18-at-09.30.58.png" alt="" width="929" height="744" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Millie and her partner Jessi don't quite fit into either gender role (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>"[Our foster daughter] actually used to call Jessi 'Dam' and me 'Mud'," Millie reveals. "Because Jessi was like a dad with a tiny bit of mum, and I was a mum with a tiny bit of dad. She saw me as a motherly figure, but then again, I was quite tomboyish, so we'd go surfing and mountain biking — and those would be what you'd describe as my 'dad' traits. It's funny what kids can pick up."</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/transgender-military-ban-stopped-serving-pride">The transgender military ban stopped me from serving with pride</a><br />
</strong></p>
<p>Previously, the couple celebrated Father's Day with their foster daughter's biological dad. But Millie's partner Jessi was also given a quintessential Father's Day present: a power drill. "[Our foster daughter] had lived in a lot of different homes, and all of them had had a male and a female, so it was interesting for her to come and see our family unit," Millie explains.</p>
<figure>
            <img class=" wp-image-12631629" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/06/Screen-Shot-2021-06-18-at-09.30.48.png" alt="" width="449" height="676" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 The couple have had discussions about Father's Day (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>For Father's Day going forward, Millie and Jessi are of the mentality that it takes a village to raise a child, and are keen to get involved as proud LGBTQ parents. "We've actually had a few discussions about it," she admits. "We've considered letting Jessi have Father's Day and I have Mother's Day, so that we both have our own special weekend.</p>
<p>"I've also got some other lesbian friends with kids, and one of them takes the Saturday, and the other the Sunday. Then, I've got cousins and friends who are single mums, and they'll use that day to celebrate the other important men in their life – or their grandparents.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/non-binary-aaliyah-ramsey-trolls-representation">Non-binary influencer Aaliyah Ramsay on overcoming trolls and fighting for representation </a></strong></p>
<p>"The thing that people are often so negative about with same-sex parents is they think that kids need a male role model, but I don't think they realise that children grow up with so many role models. Our kid is going to have grandparents, uncles, and all of these other important male figures in their life. So, perhaps on Father's Day, we'll use it to celebrate all of the important men in our lives."</p>
<figure>
            <img class=" wp-image-12631630" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/06/Screen-Shot-2021-06-18-at-09.31.26.png" alt="" width="907" height="729" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Millie and Jessi are expecting their first child in November (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>But understandably, the couple are incredibly excited for their first Mother's Day with their baby — who is due in November.</p>
<p>"I wonder who will surprise who – like who gets to make the breakfast in bed," Millie laughs. "But we've always managed to find our own rhythm. That's why it's so wonderful being in a same-sex relationship, because there aren't these traditional gender stereotypes that you have to live up to."</p>
<p>This is something that they're conscious to impart onto their unborn child, and society writ large. Millie tells me that one of her pet peeves when it comes to parenting is how often we gender children's relationships from such a young age.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/pregnancy-discrimination-nearly-killed-baby-boss">Pregnancy discrimination nearly killed my baby – I'll never forgive my manager</a></strong></p>
<p>"We have to normalise LGBTQ relationships as much as possible, because we see a toddler and say 'oh, he's going to be such a heartbreaker, or 'he's making eyes at the waitress' – I'm guilty of this too. But people will see a little boy or girl holding hands and be like 'they'll get married one day". Whereas, if it were two little girls, people would never say that. It's crazy that we're making assumptions about a toddler's sexuality."</p>
<p>In the same vein, Millie stresses that it's never too early to speak to children about same-sex relationships. "There's a negative connotation that it's a sexual thing – but it's not," she states. "It's about relationships. When you're playing with kids and you have dolls out, you could casually be like, oh, this is mummy and mummy, and this is their baby.</p>
<p>"These things can be very casually dropped into conversation — you can just naturally show children that families like ours do  exist."</p>
<h2>Feature image credit: Supplied</h2>


Lesbian mums talk Father's Day plans and normalising LGBTQ+ parenting

Rose* didn't know what revenge porn was, or that she'd been a victim of it. That was until she watched Zara McDermott's documentary about her experience of intimate image abuse, which McDermott says still "affects [her] to this day".

"The fact that someone of such a high profile has spoken out about it makes me feel less ashamed," Rose tells Four Nine. "Now, I know that other people have been through the same thing."

The <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p096h12v/zara-mcdermott-revenge-porn" target="_blank" rel="noopener">BBC Three documentary</a> sees the former Love Island contestant speak candidly about the traumatic effects of revenge porn – when explicit images are shared maliciously without the person's consent...

[caption id="attachment_12631282" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631282" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/03/PA-55678031-min-scaled.jpg" alt="Revenge Porn " width="2560" height="1707" /> Zara McDermott has been campaigning with domestic violence charity Refuge (Credit: PA)[/caption]

<div class="LongArticle-bodyItem">
<h2 class="Text gel-body-copy">Rose's experience of revenge porn</h2>
Rose was thirteen, and struggling with depression, anxiety and self-harm, when she was approached by one of the "nicer" boys to send a nude photo.

"I'd never seen pictures like that before, and I was so young so I just thought they were funny," she explains. The teenagers agreed to not screenshot the images, or to share them with anyone. But, several weeks later, Rose got wind that the picture was circulating amongst her year group at school. The individual in question had taken a picture of the screen from his iPad and shared it with his friends.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/pregnancy-discrimination-nearly-killed-baby-boss">Pregnancy discrimination nearly killed my baby – I'll never forgive my manager</a></strong></p>
"I got bullied from then on," she recalls. "I was only just going through puberty and you look very different at that point. People called me 'lemon tits' and other horrible things for years and years afterwards."

</div>
While Rose's school did acknowledge the fact that she was a victim, "nothing really happened". The boy in question was put into isolation for a day, but the impact it had on him was nowhere near as long-lasting.

"I'd received a picture from him but nobody seemed to care," Rose continues. "He wasn't slut-shamed. Boys did have their nudes leaked at my school but it didn't get the same reaction from people.

"It affected all the relationships I started with girls and guys in the school because I was constantly being called names like 'slag' and stuff - all the way from year eight till eleven. It got better, but I always knew that most of the people I was acquainted with had seen me naked. I still think about it now."

[caption id="attachment_12631287" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631287" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/03/PA-56820227-min-scaled.jpg" alt="Revenge Porn " width="2560" height="1707" /> Irish artist Emmalene Blake seen working on her latest mural related to the legislation outlawing revenge porn (Credit: PA)[/caption]
<h2>The prevalence of intimate image abuse</h2>
Rose, who is now 19, experienced the same thing a second time while in secondary school. A boy that she'd liked since primary school convinced her to send him an intimate image, and she trusted him, because she'd "known him for [her] entire life".

She quickly started receiving messages about it from people who went to three different schools and colleges in the surrounding area. This time around, she didn't tell anyone.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/sexual-harassment-workplace-venus-libido">Sexual harassment in the workplace pushed me to try and take my own life</a>
</strong></p>
"I wanted so desperately to impress these guys. But after the pictures started going around again, it seemed like they all thought so little of me. It made me not want to go into school," she says. "The first time around, my parents were supportive because I was a victim, but there was a lot of blame on the fact that I shouldn't have sent the pictures at that age. They've never wanted to shame me, but they thought I'd been smart enough not to do something like that.

"I didn't do it because I was stupid. I did it because I just really wanted someone to love me."

[caption id="attachment_12631291" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12631291" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/03/PA-46098714-min-scaled.jpg" alt="Zara McDermott " width="2560" height="1597" /> Zara McDermott pictured with some of her former Love Island alums (Credit: PA)[/caption]
<h2>The long-lasting effects of revenge porn</h2>
Rose tells me that she didn't begin having sexual relations for a long time after what transpired in secondary school. And when she did, she initially refused to take off her clothing.

"I didn't want anyone to see me," she continues. " I've always been self-conscious of the way my stomach, or boobs look. When my friends are like 'you look really nice', I'm always looking at myself, like 'do I?' I can't help but wonder what other people would say about the way I look - because I've been told the opposite."

Now, six years on, Rose says she'll "never forget" what happened. She echoes the long-lasting effects that McDermott speaks of in her BBC Three documentary.

Sharing her story, the former Love Islander says in the film: "I may seem comfortable in the public eye, but actually, every time I walk into a room and meet someone new, I wonder, have they seen my images?"
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/these-are-the-most-absurd-anti-women-laws-that-still-exist-in-america">7 sexist laws in the US you won't believe still exist</a></strong></p>

<h2>Zara's story</h2>
The morning after McDermott left the Love Island villa in 2018, a publicist came to her hotel room to break the news that nude images of her had been circulating in several Whatsapp groups, without her knowledge. The story had also been reported in the press.

"I can’t even tell you the feeling, feeling like your parents are ashamed of you," McDermott says tearfully in the documentary. "It was so embarrassing. I just wanted to die." The images were shared by someone she claims she was seeing before her stint on Love Island, whom she wholly "trusted".

Hearing McDermott speaks about her shame and anger - and the impact it had on her friends and family - is heartbreaking. But it really hits home when it's revealed that this was not the only time she'd been a victim of revenge porn.

The first occurred when she was a bullied 14-year-old schoolgirl. "I did it order to try and make myself more popular, but it had the complete opposite effect," she explains.

McDermott's story closely mirrors that of Rose, who says having her intimate images leaked made secondary school "the worst five years" of her life.

According to statistics, women are disproportionately affected by revenge porn, according to recent statistics.

Research conducted by the <a href="https://swgfl.org.uk/magazine/revenge-porn-research-2019/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Revenge Porn Hotline and Professionals Online Safety Helpline</a> and the University of Exeter in 2019 revealed the extent of the gender disparity between victims of intimate image abuse. Not only are 73 per cent of callers to the Revenge Porn Helpline female, but almost three in four victims are women.

<em>If you are a victim of intimate image abuse please contact the Revenge Porn Hotline, <a href="https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here</a>. They can be reached by email at help@revengepornhelpline.org.uk. If you are in immediate danger, please call 999. </em>

<em>*Rose's name has been changed to protect her privacy.  </em>

<p>Rose* didn't know what revenge porn was, or that she'd been a victim of it. That was until she watched Zara McDermott's documentary about her experience of intimate image abuse, which McDermott says still "affects [her] to this day".</p>
<p>"The fact that someone of such a high profile has spoken out about it makes me feel less ashamed," Rose tells Four Nine. "Now, I know that other people have been through the same thing."</p>
<p>The <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p096h12v/zara-mcdermott-revenge-porn" target="_blank" rel="noopener">BBC Three documentary</a> sees the former Love Island contestant speak candidly about the traumatic effects of revenge porn – when explicit images are shared maliciously without the person's consent...</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631282" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/03/PA-55678031-min-scaled.jpg" alt="Revenge Porn " width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Zara McDermott has been campaigning with domestic violence charity Refuge (Credit: PA)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2 class="Text gel-body-copy">Rose's experience of revenge porn</h2>
<p>Rose was thirteen, and struggling with depression, anxiety and self-harm, when she was approached by one of the "nicer" boys to send a nude photo.</p>
<p>"I'd never seen pictures like that before, and I was so young so I just thought they were funny," she explains. The teenagers agreed to not screenshot the images, or to share them with anyone. But, several weeks later, Rose got wind that the picture was circulating amongst her year group at school. The individual in question had taken a picture of the screen from his iPad and shared it with his friends.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/pregnancy-discrimination-nearly-killed-baby-boss">Pregnancy discrimination nearly killed my baby – I'll never forgive my manager</a></strong></p>
<p>"I got bullied from then on," she recalls. "I was only just going through puberty and you look very different at that point. People called me 'lemon tits' and other horrible things for years and years afterwards."</p>
<p>While Rose's school did acknowledge the fact that she was a victim, "nothing really happened". The boy in question was put into isolation for a day, but the impact it had on him was nowhere near as long-lasting.</p>
<p>"I'd received a picture from him but nobody seemed to care," Rose continues. "He wasn't slut-shamed. Boys did have their nudes leaked at my school but it didn't get the same reaction from people.</p>
<p>"It affected all the relationships I started with girls and guys in the school because I was constantly being called names like 'slag' and stuff - all the way from year eight till eleven. It got better, but I always knew that most of the people I was acquainted with had seen me naked. I still think about it now."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631287" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/03/PA-56820227-min-scaled.jpg" alt="Revenge Porn " width="2560" height="1707" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Irish artist Emmalene Blake seen working on her latest mural related to the legislation outlawing revenge porn (Credit: PA)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>The prevalence of intimate image abuse</h2>
<p>Rose, who is now 19, experienced the same thing a second time while in secondary school. A boy that she'd liked since primary school convinced her to send him an intimate image, and she trusted him, because she'd "known him for [her] entire life".</p>
<p>She quickly started receiving messages about it from people who went to three different schools and colleges in the surrounding area. This time around, she didn't tell anyone.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/sexual-harassment-workplace-venus-libido">Sexual harassment in the workplace pushed me to try and take my own life</a><br />
</strong></p>
<p>"I wanted so desperately to impress these guys. But after the pictures started going around again, it seemed like they all thought so little of me. It made me not want to go into school," she says. "The first time around, my parents were supportive because I was a victim, but there was a lot of blame on the fact that I shouldn't have sent the pictures at that age. They've never wanted to shame me, but they thought I'd been smart enough not to do something like that.</p>
<p>"I didn't do it because I was stupid. I did it because I just really wanted someone to love me."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12631291" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/03/PA-46098714-min-scaled.jpg" alt="Zara McDermott " width="2560" height="1597" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Zara McDermott pictured with some of her former Love Island alums (Credit: PA)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>The long-lasting effects of revenge porn</h2>
<p>Rose tells me that she didn't begin having sexual relations for a long time after what transpired in secondary school. And when she did, she initially refused to take off her clothing.</p>
<p>"I didn't want anyone to see me," she continues. " I've always been self-conscious of the way my stomach, or boobs look. When my friends are like 'you look really nice', I'm always looking at myself, like 'do I?' I can't help but wonder what other people would say about the way I look - because I've been told the opposite."</p>
<p>Now, six years on, Rose says she'll "never forget" what happened. She echoes the long-lasting effects that McDermott speaks of in her BBC Three documentary.</p>
<p>Sharing her story, the former Love Islander says in the film: "I may seem comfortable in the public eye, but actually, every time I walk into a room and meet someone new, I wonder, have they seen my images?"</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/these-are-the-most-absurd-anti-women-laws-that-still-exist-in-america">7 sexist laws in the US you won't believe still exist</a></strong></p>
<h2>Zara's story</h2>
<p>The morning after McDermott left the Love Island villa in 2018, a publicist came to her hotel room to break the news that nude images of her had been circulating in several Whatsapp groups, without her knowledge. The story had also been reported in the press.</p>
<p>"I can’t even tell you the feeling, feeling like your parents are ashamed of you," McDermott says tearfully in the documentary. "It was so embarrassing. I just wanted to die." The images were shared by someone she claims she was seeing before her stint on Love Island, whom she wholly "trusted".</p>
<p>Hearing McDermott speaks about her shame and anger - and the impact it had on her friends and family - is heartbreaking. But it really hits home when it's revealed that this was not the only time she'd been a victim of revenge porn.</p>
<p>The first occurred when she was a bullied 14-year-old schoolgirl. "I did it order to try and make myself more popular, but it had the complete opposite effect," she explains.</p>
<p>McDermott's story closely mirrors that of Rose, who says having her intimate images leaked made secondary school "the worst five years" of her life.</p>
<p>According to statistics, women are disproportionately affected by revenge porn, according to recent statistics.</p>
<p>Research conducted by the <a href="https://swgfl.org.uk/magazine/revenge-porn-research-2019/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Revenge Porn Hotline and Professionals Online Safety Helpline</a> and the University of Exeter in 2019 revealed the extent of the gender disparity between victims of intimate image abuse. Not only are 73 per cent of callers to the Revenge Porn Helpline female, but almost three in four victims are women.</p>
<p><em>If you are a victim of intimate image abuse please contact the Revenge Porn Hotline, <a href="https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here</a>. They can be reached by email at help@revengepornhelpline.org.uk. If you are in immediate danger, please call 999. </em></p>
<p><em>*Rose's name has been changed to protect her privacy.  </em></p>


Revenge Porn victim reveals she's still struggling six years on: 'I just wanted someone to love me'

For ten years, Mina* was in a "coercive, abusive relationship".

"He controlled everything. Everything. My finances, what I ate, where I went, who I saw," she tells me. "Everything I did was criticised. Everything I did was wrong. Every advice I followed, including his own, was contradicted."

But while the threat became more "immediate" when the first coronavirus lockdown began in the UK, it also proved to be the last straw for Mina. She knew she had to escape or, as she states, "I would die, through his hands, or mine."

[caption id="attachment_12630294" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12630294" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/bethany-zwag-xj7l_UCFon8-unsplash.jpg" alt="domestic abuse " width="1920" height="1280" /> Mina was in an abusive relationship for 10 years (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h2>Mina's story of domestic abuse</h2>
Within the first month of her relationship, Mina had already been raped. But she told herself it was nothing.

"My ex is intelligent, articulate and convinced of his own righteousness," she says. "He was able to play on my insecurities. I believed that I was getting this treatment because he loved me.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/health-beauty/antidepressants-saved-my-life-lockdown-stigma-depression">Antidepressants saved my life during lockdown – the stigma needs to end</a>
</strong></p>
"He said he was training me because I was so useless. His voice was always there in my head, micromanaging and dissecting everything I did. Nothing I did was ever right. Before long I could not remember what I was good at. He was gaslighting me every day."

Mina worked two, sometimes three jobs, while she studied full time – and her abuser pocketed every penny. So, when she received a reduction in pay, she was too scared to tell him.

"When the physical abuse began to increase, I was terrified of making him angry," she explains. "I took out payday loans to cover my tracks. When he inevitably discovered this, he took my bank cards and keys and his control became absolute. From then on, I could not make a move without his approval."

[caption id="attachment_12630297" align="alignnone" width="2560"]<img class="wp-image-12630297 size-full" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/PA-48564382-1-min-scaled.jpg" alt="domestic abuse" width="2560" height="1704" /> Women march in Brussels for the ‘Stop Violence Against Women’ protest on November, 24th (Credit: PA)[/caption]
<h2>Financial control</h2>
<p dir="ltr">"I could only travel as much as he allowed. He gave me money each month for a travel pass, usually late, sometimes forcing me to walk two hours to work," she continues. "When clothes or shoes fell apart, he would not replace them. I began stealing small change from him until I had enough to buy shoes in Poundland. I bought books from charity shops and read them secretly as I was not allowed to read."</p>
<p dir="ltr">Mina became ill in 2018, and had to take time off work. But this forced her to pay more attention to her situation.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/sexual-harassment-workplace-venus-libido">Sexual harassment in the workplace pushed me to try and take my own life </a></strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">One day, while her partner was out, she shared a coffee with a female friend, who broached the topic of Mina's mental health, and how she felt about herself. By approaching it in this manner, Mina was not tempted to jump to her ex's defence.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"I had been told for years that I was worth less than a piece of sh*t on my ex’s shoe," Mina tells me. "I thought I was nothing. [My friend] showed me, quite plainly and logically, that I was worthy of love. From that day, I began to see I did deserve better. That was the start of coming back to myself. Over the next months, I began – without even realising it – gradually distancing myself."</p>


[caption id="attachment_12630299" align="alignnone" width="1707"]<img class="wp-image-12630299 size-full" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/jeremy-yap-TFkeyD7rzf0-unsplash-scaled.jpg" alt="domestic abuse" width="1707" height="2560" /> Mina's finances were completely controlled by her partner (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h2>Domestic abuse during the coronavirus pandemic</h2>
Lockdown, however, made the threat more "immediate", and everything became more intense, and more quickly. "I could see in his eyes that there was a good chance there would be an explosion if he was not sent back to the office soon."
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://www.fournine.net/how-deal-toxic-family-members-coping-techniques" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><strong>Dealing with toxic family members – 8 coping techniques </strong></a></p>
After several fits of rage – which involved grappling, hands around the neck, and a power drill thrown into her back – Mina knew it was time.

"More than that, I knew I could finally do it," Mina reveals. "I texted my boss at the weekend to ask to come into work the following Monday. She was ready for me."

[caption id="attachment_12630298" align="alignnone" width="1920"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12630298" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/sven-masuhr-rk905w0-6l8-unsplash.jpg" alt="domestic abuse" width="1920" height="1080" /> Mina sought the help of her employer to escape her abuser (Credit: Unsplash)[/caption]
<h2>Escaping domestic abuse</h2>
Mina's employers had long known that something was wrong. She used to come into work in shabby clothes, with no handbag, and often without a proper lunch.

Her boss, a female, had put up a Woman's Aid poster – the Pattern of Abuse – in all of the toilets. "I [used to look] at it every day, quite casually thinking: 'Yup. He has said that. And that. And that.' but I was not ready to admit that this was abuse."

But this time, it was different. Initially, she told her boss that she wanted to go to a women's refuge, but as a working professional, she earnt too much to be eligible for housing benefit.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/pregnancy-discrimination-nearly-killed-baby-boss">Pregnancy discrimination nearly killed my baby – I'll never forgive my manager</a></strong></p>
"I would have had to pay over £340 a week," Mina says. "But I had not had any access to my money for ten years! This angers me: does the government think abuse only happens to poor people? So many people are forced to stay in an abusive situation, especially if they have children because they do not have access to their finances."
<h2>Support network</h2>
Ultimately, Mina and her boss drew up a plan for her to return to her native Holland. Together they booked a Eurostar ticket for the next day, and her employer wrote her a letter to show to passport control saying that she had a legitimate reason for travel as the borders were closed due to the pandemic.

"This letter proved invaluable. Each time I was asked for a valid reason for travel, both at the hotel and at every point of border control, I could not get the words out, I could not say that I was fleeing abuse. So I just showed my letter each time, and I was met with kindness and understanding immediately."

[caption id="attachment_12630315" align="alignnone" width="1200"]<img class="size-full wp-image-12630315" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/WomansAid_Version_3_Final-01-01.jpg" alt="women's aid" width="1200" height="1631" /> Pictured is the poster Mina looked at every day (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]
<h2>Mina's recovery</h2>
When Mina arrived in the Netherlands, she immediately began an intensive 30-day therapy course specifically designed to "come loose" from narcissistic abuse. She used writing to help her process the events that had transpired, and eventually found a suitable therapist.

Despite therapy involving some "really, incredibly hard work that was very painful at times," Mina is reaping the rewards. As she tells me, "I know I will never again be in a position where my past will repeat itself.

"If I can get out of this nightmare, then anyone can. If you are in such a situation and you are still alive and functioning then that is a testimony to your strength and your endurance. There is always someone who will listen. There is always a way, and there is always hope."
<h2>Women's Aid</h2>
Sophie Francis-Cansfield, the Senior Campaigns and Policy Officer at <a href="https://www.womensaid.org.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Women's Aid</a> tells Four Nine that while "the pandemic has heightened the public's awareness of domestic abuse," home continues to be an unsafe place for victims.

"That is why the third national lockdown is yet again a chilling time for Women’s Aid and our national network of life-saving local services," the representative continues. "Our research has shown that perpetrators use Covid restrictions as a weapon of control, and that lockdown measures make it harder to leave an abuser. In 2020, over three-quarters of survivors said they felt they could not get away because of the pandemic."

Mina's story – while in equal parts distressing and inspiring – rings home Women's Aid's mission to support the many women who remain in abusive relationships throughout the pandemic. While the charity welcomes that the <a href="https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help" target="_blank" rel="noopener">UK government</a> has stated that lockdown restrictions do not apply for those experiencing domestic abuse, funding remains their "number one concern".

"Domestic abuse services continue to operate on a shoestring and many of our member services have no financial certainty for the next financial year," Francis-Cansfield tells Four Nine. "It is vital that survivors know they are not alone and that Women’s Aid’s member services remain open and there to support them throughout the pandemic."

If you are suffering from domestic abuse, or know someone who is, please contact the <a href="https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">National Domestic Abuse Helpline</a>.

<em>*Mina's name and some details have been changed to protect her identity. </em>

<p>For ten years, Mina* was in a "coercive, abusive relationship".</p>
<p>"He controlled everything. Everything. My finances, what I ate, where I went, who I saw," she tells me. "Everything I did was criticised. Everything I did was wrong. Every advice I followed, including his own, was contradicted."</p>
<p>But while the threat became more "immediate" when the first coronavirus lockdown began in the UK, it also proved to be the last straw for Mina. She knew she had to escape or, as she states, "I would die, through his hands, or mine."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12630294" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/bethany-zwag-xj7l_UCFon8-unsplash.jpg" alt="domestic abuse " width="1920" height="1280" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Mina was in an abusive relationship for 10 years (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Mina's story of domestic abuse</h2>
<p>Within the first month of her relationship, Mina had already been raped. But she told herself it was nothing.</p>
<p>"My ex is intelligent, articulate and convinced of his own righteousness," she says. "He was able to play on my insecurities. I believed that I was getting this treatment because he loved me.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/health-beauty/antidepressants-saved-my-life-lockdown-stigma-depression">Antidepressants saved my life during lockdown – the stigma needs to end</a><br />
</strong></p>
<p>"He said he was training me because I was so useless. His voice was always there in my head, micromanaging and dissecting everything I did. Nothing I did was ever right. Before long I could not remember what I was good at. He was gaslighting me every day."</p>
<p>Mina worked two, sometimes three jobs, while she studied full time – and her abuser pocketed every penny. So, when she received a reduction in pay, she was too scared to tell him.</p>
<p>"When the physical abuse began to increase, I was terrified of making him angry," she explains. "I took out payday loans to cover my tracks. When he inevitably discovered this, he took my bank cards and keys and his control became absolute. From then on, I could not make a move without his approval."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12630297 size-full" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/PA-48564382-1-min-scaled.jpg" alt="domestic abuse" width="2560" height="1704" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Women march in Brussels for the ‘Stop Violence Against Women’ protest on November, 24th (Credit: PA)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Financial control</h2>
<p dir="ltr">"I could only travel as much as he allowed. He gave me money each month for a travel pass, usually late, sometimes forcing me to walk two hours to work," she continues. "When clothes or shoes fell apart, he would not replace them. I began stealing small change from him until I had enough to buy shoes in Poundland. I bought books from charity shops and read them secretly as I was not allowed to read."</p>
<p dir="ltr">Mina became ill in 2018, and had to take time off work. But this forced her to pay more attention to her situation.</p>
<p dir="ltr" style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/sexual-harassment-workplace-venus-libido">Sexual harassment in the workplace pushed me to try and take my own life </a></strong></p>
<p dir="ltr">One day, while her partner was out, she shared a coffee with a female friend, who broached the topic of Mina's mental health, and how she felt about herself. By approaching it in this manner, Mina was not tempted to jump to her ex's defence.</p>
<p dir="ltr">"I had been told for years that I was worth less than a piece of sh*t on my ex’s shoe," Mina tells me. "I thought I was nothing. [My friend] showed me, quite plainly and logically, that I was worthy of love. From that day, I began to see I did deserve better. That was the start of coming back to myself. Over the next months, I began – without even realising it – gradually distancing myself."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12630299 size-full" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/jeremy-yap-TFkeyD7rzf0-unsplash-scaled.jpg" alt="domestic abuse" width="1707" height="2560" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Mina's finances were completely controlled by her partner (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Domestic abuse during the coronavirus pandemic</h2>
<p>Lockdown, however, made the threat more "immediate", and everything became more intense, and more quickly. "I could see in his eyes that there was a good chance there would be an explosion if he was not sent back to the office soon."</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: </strong><a href="https://www.fournine.net/how-deal-toxic-family-members-coping-techniques" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><strong>Dealing with toxic family members – 8 coping techniques </strong></a></p>
<p>After several fits of rage – which involved grappling, hands around the neck, and a power drill thrown into her back – Mina knew it was time.</p>
<p>"More than that, I knew I could finally do it," Mina reveals. "I texted my boss at the weekend to ask to come into work the following Monday. She was ready for me."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12630298" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/sven-masuhr-rk905w0-6l8-unsplash.jpg" alt="domestic abuse" width="1920" height="1080" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Mina sought the help of her employer to escape her abuser (Credit: Unsplash)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Escaping domestic abuse</h2>
<p>Mina's employers had long known that something was wrong. She used to come into work in shabby clothes, with no handbag, and often without a proper lunch.</p>
<p>Her boss, a female, had put up a Woman's Aid poster – the Pattern of Abuse – in all of the toilets. "I [used to look] at it every day, quite casually thinking: 'Yup. He has said that. And that. And that.' but I was not ready to admit that this was abuse."</p>
<p>But this time, it was different. Initially, she told her boss that she wanted to go to a women's refuge, but as a working professional, she earnt too much to be eligible for housing benefit.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://fournine.net/pregnancy-discrimination-nearly-killed-baby-boss">Pregnancy discrimination nearly killed my baby – I'll never forgive my manager</a></strong></p>
<p>"I would have had to pay over £340 a week," Mina says. "But I had not had any access to my money for ten years! This angers me: does the government think abuse only happens to poor people? So many people are forced to stay in an abusive situation, especially if they have children because they do not have access to their finances."</p>
<h2>Support network</h2>
<p>Ultimately, Mina and her boss drew up a plan for her to return to her native Holland. Together they booked a Eurostar ticket for the next day, and her employer wrote her a letter to show to passport control saying that she had a legitimate reason for travel as the borders were closed due to the pandemic.</p>
<p>"This letter proved invaluable. Each time I was asked for a valid reason for travel, both at the hotel and at every point of border control, I could not get the words out, I could not say that I was fleeing abuse. So I just showed my letter each time, and I was met with kindness and understanding immediately."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="size-full wp-image-12630315" src="https://cdn.fournine.net/uploads/2021/01/WomansAid_Version_3_Final-01-01.jpg" alt="women's aid" width="1200" height="1631" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Pictured is the poster Mina looked at every day (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>Mina's recovery</h2>
<p>When Mina arrived in the Netherlands, she immediately began an intensive 30-day therapy course specifically designed to "come loose" from narcissistic abuse. She used writing to help her process the events that had transpired, and eventually found a suitable therapist.</p>
<p>Despite therapy involving some "really, incredibly hard work that was very painful at times," Mina is reaping the rewards. As she tells me, "I know I will never again be in a position where my past will repeat itself.</p>
<p>"If I can get out of this nightmare, then anyone can. If you are in such a situation and you are still alive and functioning then that is a testimony to your strength and your endurance. There is always someone who will listen. There is always a way, and there is always hope."</p>
<h2>Women's Aid</h2>
<p>Sophie Francis-Cansfield, the Senior Campaigns and Policy Officer at <a href="https://www.womensaid.org.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Women's Aid</a> tells Four Nine that while "the pandemic has heightened the public's awareness of domestic abuse," home continues to be an unsafe place for victims.</p>
<p>"That is why the third national lockdown is yet again a chilling time for Women’s Aid and our national network of life-saving local services," the representative continues. "Our research has shown that perpetrators use Covid restrictions as a weapon of control, and that lockdown measures make it harder to leave an abuser. In 2020, over three-quarters of survivors said they felt they could not get away because of the pandemic."</p>
<p>Mina's story – while in equal parts distressing and inspiring – rings home Women's Aid's mission to support the many women who remain in abusive relationships throughout the pandemic. While the charity welcomes that the <a href="https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help" target="_blank" rel="noopener">UK government</a> has stated that lockdown restrictions do not apply for those experiencing domestic abuse, funding remains their "number one concern".</p>
<p>"Domestic abuse services continue to operate on a shoestring and many of our member services have no financial certainty for the next financial year," Francis-Cansfield tells Four Nine. "It is vital that survivors know they are not alone and that Women’s Aid’s member services remain open and there to support them throughout the pandemic."</p>
<p>If you are suffering from domestic abuse, or know someone who is, please contact the <a href="https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">National Domestic Abuse Helpline</a>.</p>
<p><em>*Mina's name and some details have been changed to protect her identity. </em></p>


How I escaped my abusive ex during lockdown with just a letter: 'If I didn't, I would have died'

Beth Peters had envisioned a life together with her partner. While she was sitting in a mortgage consultation office back in August, she tells me that she had already started to mentally decorate the house in her head.

As the 24-year-old says: "The man doing the meeting was talking about marriage and kids. It all fitted in with my long term goals, and I was happy about where my relationship was at that point in time."

In October of this year, Beth had been with Anthony* for two and a half years. Though, as she notes, they'd "unofficially" been together for four. They'd been living together for nearly two years when the first wave of the coronavirus hit the UK in March.

[caption id="attachment_12630410" align="aligncenter" width="1104"]<img class="wp-image-12630410 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/6dbc63b5-image-from-ios-4.jpg" alt="breakup" width="1104" height="1472" /> Beth had been with her partner Anthony for two and half years prior to their breakup (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

"I thought we did really well as a couple during the [initial lockdown]," Beth says. "We were isolated in a one-bedroom flat, and both working from home, which is obviously tough. But our communication was good, and we did what we could to support each other during what was a hard time for both of our mental health."

But, following the easing of Covid-19 related restrictions in the summer, things had changed for the couple. Several weeks after the mortgage consultation, Anthony said that he no longer wanted to buy a house together. "He just did a U-turn. I was shellshocked."
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/health-beauty/antidepressants-saved-my-life-lockdown-stigma-depression">Antidepressants saved my life during lockdown – the stigma needs to end </a></strong></p>
Beth did what she could to reassure her boyfriend. She told him that she was happy that he'd raised his concerns, and that they could take a step backwards as they focused on getting through 2020. "But from that point on, things weren't the same. It was very clear that his heart wasn't in it anymore, and that the relationship was on its way out.

"It quickly transitioned to us feeling like flatmates rather than romantic partners," she tells me. "And there, there was a series of bereavements in his family, which I supported him through. He got made redundant as well.

"It feels selfish to say, but it felt like the relationship was secondary to everything else that was going on. We were in survival mode, really, just trying to get through a really rough time."

Beth concedes that they perhaps stayed together longer than they should have. "We were both scared about what 'uncoupling' would mean in terms of me moving out of a flat that he couldn't afford by himself, and all of the other practical things that come with ending a relationship. I knew that if it ended I'd have to sever ties with all of our mutual friends in Oxford, and almost start again in Sheffield."

[caption id="attachment_12630415" align="aligncenter" width="1104"]<img class="wp-image-12630415 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/86624d22-image-from-ios-5.jpg" alt="Breakup" width="1104" height="1472" /> Beth split from her partner in October of 2020, months after they'd decided to buy a house together (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

The eventual breakup was, by all accounts, "intense".

"He got a positive Covid test on Friday, and by the Sunday morning, I'd had my own positive test result too." The pair were forced to isolate inside, with no contact with friends or family, per government regulations, and it was this time that allowed them to have the conversation that they'd been putting off for so long.

"It was the elephant in the room," she continues. "We weren't going anywhere, so I realised that we might as well talk about it. I said, 'the relationship is over, isn't it?' and he said, 'yes'. We didn't realise at that moment that we'd have to spend 10 days isolating together in a one-bedroom flat – both with coronavirus."
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/body-positivity-meaning-fat-liberation-gina-tonic">Body positivity 'feels redundant now' – here's why</a></strong></p>
Although Beth says that it was a "weird period" – which wasn't helped by the tight quarters they were living in – she explains that she was ultimately grateful for the time it gave her and her ex-boyfriend. As she explains: "It helped us realise that [the breakup] really was the right decision for us. We care an enormous amount about each other, but we're not meant to be each other's forever person.

"Often when you break up with someone, and you immediately go cold turkey, you always have things you wish you said, and questions you want answering. But [the time in isolation] actually gave us the opportunity to ask those questions, and be quite philosophical about what went wrong, and what we can change in future relationships. It was quite cathartic in a way."

[caption id="attachment_12630426" align="aligncenter" width="1200"]<img class="wp-image-12630426 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/0d426c64-image-from-ios-7.jpg" alt="Breaking up" width="1200" height="1600" /> Now, living at her parents', Beth has had the time and space to focus on her professional development (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

Still, Beth was worried that she'd return to her parent's home in Sheffield, and as she puts it, "have a meltdown".

"I was concerned that I hadn't had the time to grieve," she pauses, "and have the 3 AM Taylor Swift cry." But the opposite was true. Initially, Beth noted her lack of emotional response.

"I've been weirdly zen," Beth tells me, two months on. "My parents have made comments like 'you seem to be living your best life' and 'you seem so happy'. I've reflected on what they've said and wondered if I'm a terrible person. But really, I think it's rooted in the fact that I know it's been over for a while."
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/6-reasons-honeymoon-phase-isnt-actually-best-part-relationship">8 reasons why the honeymoon period isn't the best stage of a relationship</a></strong></p>
And Beth really does seem like she's in a better place than she was during her relationship. She tells me that she just landed her biggest freelance writing commission recently, and that she generally has more time to focus her time and energy on her professional development.

"I felt like I was walking on eggshells around my partner in that one-bedroom flat," she continues. "Now, I have my own room at my parents' and I can do what I want without being accountable to anyone else. It's made me quite keen to have a period of being single, and not having another person determine my social calendar."

[caption id="attachment_12630427" align="aligncenter" width="1200"]<img class="wp-image-12630427 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/c3d98233-image-from-ios-6.jpg" alt="Breakup" width="1200" height="1600" /> After first moving back to Sheffield, Beth was worried about how she would cope with the breakup (Credit: Supplied)[/caption]

Still, she's definitely going to take some lessons into her next relationship, whenever that may be. "I've leaned that communication really is so key," she pauses, "I was quite selfless and that's why we stayed together so long. I was prioritising his wellbeing above my own at some points – because he's had lots of family and job difficulties.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/8-women-reveal-why-they-broke-off-their-engagements">12 women reveal why they broke off their engagements</a></strong></p>
"I've realised that I need to be more selfish. I have a tendency to squash down my own feelings and put my partner first. It's something that I'm going to watch out for more in my next relationship."

At the close of our conversation, she adds: "The funny thing is that it took having Covid and being forced to isolate for us to have the difficult conversation that we'd been putting off for months."

*Anthony's name has been changed to protect his privacy

<p>Beth Peters had envisioned a life together with her partner. While she was sitting in a mortgage consultation office back in August, she tells me that she had already started to mentally decorate the house in her head.</p>
<p>As the 24-year-old says: "The man doing the meeting was talking about marriage and kids. It all fitted in with my long term goals, and I was happy about where my relationship was at that point in time."</p>
<p>In October of this year, Beth had been with Anthony* for two and a half years. Though, as she notes, they'd "unofficially" been together for four. They'd been living together for nearly two years when the first wave of the coronavirus hit the UK in March.</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12630410 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/6dbc63b5-image-from-ios-4.jpg" alt="breakup" width="1104" height="1472" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Beth had been with her partner Anthony for two and half years prior to their breakup (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>"I thought we did really well as a couple during the [initial lockdown]," Beth says. "We were isolated in a one-bedroom flat, and both working from home, which is obviously tough. But our communication was good, and we did what we could to support each other during what was a hard time for both of our mental health."</p>
<p>But, following the easing of Covid-19 related restrictions in the summer, things had changed for the couple. Several weeks after the mortgage consultation, Anthony said that he no longer wanted to buy a house together. "He just did a U-turn. I was shellshocked."</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/health-beauty/antidepressants-saved-my-life-lockdown-stigma-depression">Antidepressants saved my life during lockdown – the stigma needs to end </a></strong></p>
<p>Beth did what she could to reassure her boyfriend. She told him that she was happy that he'd raised his concerns, and that they could take a step backwards as they focused on getting through 2020. "But from that point on, things weren't the same. It was very clear that his heart wasn't in it anymore, and that the relationship was on its way out.</p>
<p>"It quickly transitioned to us feeling like flatmates rather than romantic partners," she tells me. "And there, there was a series of bereavements in his family, which I supported him through. He got made redundant as well.</p>
<p>"It feels selfish to say, but it felt like the relationship was secondary to everything else that was going on. We were in survival mode, really, just trying to get through a really rough time."</p>
<p>Beth concedes that they perhaps stayed together longer than they should have. "We were both scared about what 'uncoupling' would mean in terms of me moving out of a flat that he couldn't afford by himself, and all of the other practical things that come with ending a relationship. I knew that if it ended I'd have to sever ties with all of our mutual friends in Oxford, and almost start again in Sheffield."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12630415 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/86624d22-image-from-ios-5.jpg" alt="Breakup" width="1104" height="1472" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Beth split from her partner in October of 2020, months after they'd decided to buy a house together (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>The eventual breakup was, by all accounts, "intense".</p>
<p>"He got a positive Covid test on Friday, and by the Sunday morning, I'd had my own positive test result too." The pair were forced to isolate inside, with no contact with friends or family, per government regulations, and it was this time that allowed them to have the conversation that they'd been putting off for so long.</p>
<p>"It was the elephant in the room," she continues. "We weren't going anywhere, so I realised that we might as well talk about it. I said, 'the relationship is over, isn't it?' and he said, 'yes'. We didn't realise at that moment that we'd have to spend 10 days isolating together in a one-bedroom flat – both with coronavirus."</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/body-positivity-meaning-fat-liberation-gina-tonic">Body positivity 'feels redundant now' – here's why</a></strong></p>
<p>Although Beth says that it was a "weird period" – which wasn't helped by the tight quarters they were living in – she explains that she was ultimately grateful for the time it gave her and her ex-boyfriend. As she explains: "It helped us realise that [the breakup] really was the right decision for us. We care an enormous amount about each other, but we're not meant to be each other's forever person.</p>
<p>"Often when you break up with someone, and you immediately go cold turkey, you always have things you wish you said, and questions you want answering. But [the time in isolation] actually gave us the opportunity to ask those questions, and be quite philosophical about what went wrong, and what we can change in future relationships. It was quite cathartic in a way."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12630426 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/0d426c64-image-from-ios-7.jpg" alt="Breaking up" width="1200" height="1600" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Now, living at her parents', Beth has had the time and space to focus on her professional development (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>Still, Beth was worried that she'd return to her parent's home in Sheffield, and as she puts it, "have a meltdown".</p>
<p>"I was concerned that I hadn't had the time to grieve," she pauses, "and have the 3 AM Taylor Swift cry." But the opposite was true. Initially, Beth noted her lack of emotional response.</p>
<p>"I've been weirdly zen," Beth tells me, two months on. "My parents have made comments like 'you seem to be living your best life' and 'you seem so happy'. I've reflected on what they've said and wondered if I'm a terrible person. But really, I think it's rooted in the fact that I know it's been over for a while."</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/6-reasons-honeymoon-phase-isnt-actually-best-part-relationship">8 reasons why the honeymoon period isn't the best stage of a relationship</a></strong></p>
<p>And Beth really does seem like she's in a better place than she was during her relationship. She tells me that she just landed her biggest freelance writing commission recently, and that she generally has more time to focus her time and energy on her professional development.</p>
<p>"I felt like I was walking on eggshells around my partner in that one-bedroom flat," she continues. "Now, I have my own room at my parents' and I can do what I want without being accountable to anyone else. It's made me quite keen to have a period of being single, and not having another person determine my social calendar."</p>
<figure>
            <img class="wp-image-12630427 size-full" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/12/c3d98233-image-from-ios-6.jpg" alt="Breakup" width="1200" height="1600" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 After first moving back to Sheffield, Beth was worried about how she would cope with the breakup (Credit: Supplied)</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<p>Still, she's definitely going to take some lessons into her next relationship, whenever that may be. "I've leaned that communication really is so key," she pauses, "I was quite selfless and that's why we stayed together so long. I was prioritising his wellbeing above my own at some points – because he's had lots of family and job difficulties.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/8-women-reveal-why-they-broke-off-their-engagements">12 women reveal why they broke off their engagements</a></strong></p>
<p>"I've realised that I need to be more selfish. I have a tendency to squash down my own feelings and put my partner first. It's something that I'm going to watch out for more in my next relationship."</p>
<p>At the close of our conversation, she adds: "The funny thing is that it took having Covid and being forced to isolate for us to have the difficult conversation that we'd been putting off for months."</p>
<p>*Anthony's name has been changed to protect his privacy</p>


I had to self-isolate with my ex after breaking up – now I'm single and living my best life

We've all been there - ummed and ahhed over the best time to say 'I love you'.

I mean, love can be a tricky thing to master. If the pressure of finding someone you fancy wasn’t enough, there’s also thematter of making sure you don’t accidentally scare them away. Yes, while there is a lot can that go right in those blissful first few months, there is also a lot that can go wrong.

Anyway, once you have done the hard work and it's all starting to feel a bit more chill, there’s still one tightrope to walk. When to drop the ‘L’ bomb. Too soon, and you risk looking too intense, or like that person who just throws the term around. Wait too long, and they’ll probably find someone else that does make them feel appreciated. So, when is the right time to utter those three little words?

[caption id="attachment_12622118" align="aligncenter" width="354"]<img class=" wp-image-12622118" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/11/87dacbd9-pexels-anna-shvets-4611751.jpg" alt="best time to say i love you" width="354" height="531" /> Credit: Pexels[/caption]
<h2>What's the best time to say I love you?</h2>
In 2017, a YouGov poll of 3947 Brits showed that the 22% would say them within the first two to three months of a new relationship. 14% have never said them before the four to six month mark. And 10 per cent said that they had never told <i>anyone</i> they loved them.
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/these-are-the-main-reasons-why-millennials-are-cheating-on-their-partners">Why millennials cheat on their partners, according to new study</a></strong></p>
For a bit more insight, we turned to Reddit, where the topic has been raised by those looking for a little reassurance. So what did the good people of the internet think? Well, it turns out they’re actually pretty cute.
<h2><b>What do the people of Reddit say? </b></h2>
“My only time of being the first person to say it (at the start of a happy four-year relationship) was after about a month, or slightly less.”
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/ErrorUncertainty">ErrorUncertainty</a>

"My boyfriend said it at two months, and here we are five years later"
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/lilram17">lilram17</a>

“I don't think it's ever to soon”
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Figmentdreamer">Figmentdreamer</a>

<b>Others, distinctly less so:</b>

“Wait until you two have your first fight!”
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/xj371">xj371</a>

“My last boyfriend told me on our first 'date.' I should have taken it as a warning sign.”
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/joeydball">joeydbal</a>l

“I personally wouldn't do it until after I knew them for a good while, like after six months maybe. Everyone has their best face on and is on their best behavior in the beginning, plus a lot of stuff we may not like about the other person gets overlooked because of love blindness.”
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/John2Nhoj">John2Nhoj</a>
<h2 class="mceTemp">The experts weigh in...</h2>
So, whose side do you come down on, the dreamers or the cynics? Well, according to Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D, writing in <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-the-name-love/201412/when-should-you-say-i-love-you" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Psychology Today</a>, it appears that the cynics might be in the right:

“Since profound love needs time to develop, it isn't reasonable to say "I love you profoundly" after being together for just a brief time; that may indicate that you are not serious about what is in fact a serious matter.”
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/8-women-reveal-why-they-broke-off-their-engagements">12 women reveal why they broke off their engagements</a></strong></p>
However, he concedes that it’s not all bad news for the impulsive romantics among us either: "Since love at first sight can occur, you can say  'I love you' after a short time together if you are just expressing what you feel at that moment." In simple terms, you can say it whenever you want, but while the words might be the same, what you mean by the words will change over time.

Interestingly, gender also has a big impact on the whole 'who-says-what-when' game too. A study by dating website <a href="https://www.eharmony.com/blog/read-this-before-saying-i-love-you/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">eHarmony</a> found that, on average, men start thinking about making their feelings known about three months into the relationship, whereas women are more likely to go in for it at the five-month marker.

This has a lot to do with the fact that women are biologically programmed to be more selective: “Men tend to have more romanticised views of relationships in general, which means they’re more likely to believe in love at first sight and that love conquers all,” said Gary Lewandowski, a psychologist at Monmouth University in New Jersey.
<h2 class="mceTemp">The bottom line</h2>
But if you do go ahead and say it that bit too early, it's not necessarily the end of the world.

A 2011 <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201603/who-says-i-love-you-first-and-why" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">study</a> published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that when women did declare their love early on, men - even those not interested in a long-term relationship - generally reported feeling happy about it.

Unfortunately, though, you still shouldn't pin your hopes too high, because it's a response that study lead Joshua Ackerman put down to the assumption that sex would follow, citing the fact that post-coitally happiness about this same matter declined dramatically.

Of course, there’s no perfect time to say "I Love You" and it’s different for every couple - hell, my parents even moved in together after six weeks. And as my nanna used to say "love is a verb" - it's more about the little actions that show you care, rather than some big grand wordy gesture.

But whenever you do choose to say it, whether two weeks in or two years later, remember that there are a few ground rules: it’s rarely the best idea to do it when you’re drunk, probably won’t be quite as special just after sex, and please, please, don’t do it by text.

<p>We've all been there - ummed and ahhed over the best time to say 'I love you'.</p>
<p>I mean, love can be a tricky thing to master. If the pressure of finding someone you fancy wasn’t enough, there’s also thematter of making sure you don’t accidentally scare them away. Yes, while there is a lot can that go right in those blissful first few months, there is also a lot that can go wrong.</p>
<p>Anyway, once you have done the hard work and it's all starting to feel a bit more chill, there’s still one tightrope to walk. When to drop the ‘L’ bomb. Too soon, and you risk looking too intense, or like that person who just throws the term around. Wait too long, and they’ll probably find someone else that does make them feel appreciated. So, when is the right time to utter those three little words?</p>
<figure>
            <img class=" wp-image-12622118" src="https://cdn.junglecreations.com/wp/junglecms/2020/11/87dacbd9-pexels-anna-shvets-4611751.jpg" alt="best time to say i love you" width="354" height="531" /><figcaption class='op-vertical-below'>
<h1>

 Credit: Pexels</h1>
</figcaption></figure>
<h2>What's the best time to say I love you?</h2>
<p>In 2017, a YouGov poll of 3947 Brits showed that the 22% would say them within the first two to three months of a new relationship. 14% have never said them before the four to six month mark. And 10 per cent said that they had never told <i>anyone</i> they loved them.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/these-are-the-main-reasons-why-millennials-are-cheating-on-their-partners">Why millennials cheat on their partners, according to new study</a></strong></p>
<p>For a bit more insight, we turned to Reddit, where the topic has been raised by those looking for a little reassurance. So what did the good people of the internet think? Well, it turns out they’re actually pretty cute.</p>
<h2><b>What do the people of Reddit say? </b></h2>
<p>“My only time of being the first person to say it (at the start of a happy four-year relationship) was after about a month, or slightly less.”<br />
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/ErrorUncertainty">ErrorUncertainty</a></p>
<p>"My boyfriend said it at two months, and here we are five years later"<br />
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/lilram17">lilram17</a></p>
<p>“I don't think it's ever to soon”<br />
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Figmentdreamer">Figmentdreamer</a></p>
<p><b>Others, distinctly less so:</b></p>
<p>“Wait until you two have your first fight!”<br />
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/xj371">xj371</a></p>
<p>“My last boyfriend told me on our first 'date.' I should have taken it as a warning sign.”<br />
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/joeydball">joeydbal</a>l</p>
<p>“I personally wouldn't do it until after I knew them for a good while, like after six months maybe. Everyone has their best face on and is on their best behavior in the beginning, plus a lot of stuff we may not like about the other person gets overlooked because of love blindness.”<br />
- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/John2Nhoj">John2Nhoj</a></p>
<h2 class="mceTemp">The experts weigh in...</h2>
<p>So, whose side do you come down on, the dreamers or the cynics? Well, according to Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D, writing in <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-the-name-love/201412/when-should-you-say-i-love-you" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Psychology Today</a>, it appears that the cynics might be in the right:</p>
<p>“Since profound love needs time to develop, it isn't reasonable to say "I love you profoundly" after being together for just a brief time; that may indicate that you are not serious about what is in fact a serious matter.”</p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><strong>READ MORE: <a href="https://www.fournine.net/8-women-reveal-why-they-broke-off-their-engagements">12 women reveal why they broke off their engagements</a></strong></p>
<p>However, he concedes that it’s not all bad news for the impulsive romantics among us either: "Since love at first sight can occur, you can say  'I love you' after a short time together if you are just expressing what you feel at that moment." In simple terms, you can say it whenever you want, but while the words might be the same, what you mean by the words will change over time.</p>
<p>Interestingly, gender also has a big impact on the whole 'who-says-what-when' game too. A study by dating website <a href="https://www.eharmony.com/blog/read-this-before-saying-i-love-you/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">eHarmony</a> found that, on average, men start thinking about making their feelings known about three months into the relationship, whereas women are more likely to go in for it at the five-month marker.</p>
<p>This has a lot to do with the fact that women are biologically programmed to be more selective: “Men tend to have more romanticised views of relationships in general, which means they’re more likely to believe in love at first sight and that love conquers all,” said Gary Lewandowski, a psychologist at Monmouth University in New Jersey.</p>
<h2 class="mceTemp">The bottom line</h2>
<p>But if you do go ahead and say it that bit too early, it's not necessarily the end of the world.</p>
<p>A 2011 <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201603/who-says-i-love-you-first-and-why" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">study</a> published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that when women did declare their love early on, men - even those not interested in a long-term relationship - generally reported feeling happy about it.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, though, you still shouldn't pin your hopes too high, because it's a response that study lead Joshua Ackerman put down to the assumption that sex would follow, citing the fact that post-coitally happiness about this same matter declined dramatically.</p>
<p>Of course, there’s no perfect time to say "I Love You" and it’s different for every couple - hell, my parents even moved in together after six weeks. And as my nanna used to say "love is a verb" - it's more about the little actions that show you care, rather than some big grand wordy gesture.</p>
<p>But whenever you do choose to say it, whether two weeks in or two years later, remember that there are a few ground rules: it’s rarely the best idea to do it when you’re drunk, probably won’t be quite as special just after sex, and please, please, don’t do it by text.</p>


relationships